Why are Christians so Mean?

As thanksgiving and the holidays approach, it’s important to get ready to spend time with those people who we call “family”. Many of us get ready by cooking up a turkey or another special dish; others carefully polish their body armor to dawn as they enter the battlefield known as the living room.

The holidays have a tendency to bring out the fight in us. Mom, Dad and the siblings crawling all over each other… cutting on each other… each knowing the RIGHT way to go about things, and are clear about the fact that you didn’t do it that way. It’s in these moments that we sometimes call upon our faith.

It’s been said: “Jesus SAVED me from my family.” And someone might read the passage in Luke 14:26 and say “Hate your mother and father… wow this disciple thing is for ME!” or Luke 14:12 and say “hallelujah Jesus said I shouldn’t invite my family for dinner.” And so they flee to the church because their family of origin seems to be a monstrous place where they cannot measure up, or they just need a break.

Yet within the walls of the church we find things are not so different. Some may find solace in the faint glow of stained glass; however, it probably won’t be too long before they run into a Christian that is mean. It seems everyone has a story where someone who was “of the faith” slimed them with their “good intentions”.

I’ve been mean before. I know it’s hard to imagine, but as I was thinking about family and the holidays I remember the very first couple years that I was getting to know my brother in law. I was a new Christian, a university student of the bible. And though I learned many things I still draw upon, I also learned something else: The RIGHT way to live. Or more importantly: The right way to TELL people how to live. I was a little copycat at the time, slurping up the gems from school and radio, and anything anyone could tell me about my faith. And with that massive ingestion of knowledge, I got a hefty amount of opinion. That I in tern dealt out

Now, I never was really into my sister’s boyfriends. It wasn’t really a territory I felt like chumming it up around. It might have been I felt protective, or perhaps I felt like it wasn’t really my place to say. Regardless, as a basic principle, I just disapproved. I wasn’t as vocal about my disapproval as my friend Tim was of his sister’s boyfriend where they would weekly TP his car. But the disapproval was still there.

As my sister’s boyfriend became more and more a fixture, I began to try to find more and more wrong with him. This, I can attest, is not a good solution for budding family relations, because you will find what you look for. Well, one day, I found it. My sister and he stated that they would “live together” in New York. My mom wasn’t pleased and she phoned my sister saying “I know you are adults, but I don’t like this plan.” She knew that she wasn’t about to change the mind of her 27 year old daughter, but she could at least say she stood up for what she thought was right. My sister made her decision, and my mom being wise, left it at that.

I, on the other hand, KNEW what was RIGHT, and studied what was RIGHT, and probably even had statistics to back up what I knew to be RIGHT. And what my sister was to about to embark upon was WRONG. And to me, it all pointed to one thing: My sister’s boyfriend was not godly!

Well, this had major implications to my treatment of him. I found ways to badmouth him when I got the chance. I didn’t really engage him when he came over. And all the while, I was very vocal about my faith.

Little did I know how destructive these tendencies were of mine; especially to someone I would see more and more often. I had learned by my Christian trainers that a way to get someone to feel bad about their sin is to be mean. Eventually Eric became my brother in law. I tolerated him, but I used my faith to make sure he was distant from me. “He wasn’t Godly… I was… and this is why…” (Very Luke 18:11 yuck) It was only a couple years ago that I found out that his dad had a similar reaction to his faith. His belief structure allowed for him to belittle, and find reason to cut you down… and out. Surely Eric, with mine and his dad’s example, has never seen a glimpse of Christianity that didn’t have a mean streak.

I think being mean is one of the big things that causes fights during the holidays, and really causes people within the church to never want to go back. So I ask the question: Why are Christians so mean?

Below, in the comments, I would love to hear your answers on why Christians are so mean. Also I would love to hear your survival stories (or confessions) on how you were treated.

It’s freaky to write this history of contempt down. At the time it was justified, and now it’s just embarrassing. Thankfully my brother in law is a good man, and never turned the tables on me. He very easily could have pulled out the Sermon on the Mount when I went through a divorce years ago. He could have told me “Judge not lest ye be judged…” and he would have been right. Maybe not necessarily for kicking me while I was down, but rather, telling me the state of my heart when I judged him.

It’s interesting that in my contempt and Judgment of my brother in law’s actions, I still wanted him to see me as righteous. And, at the same time, I wanted him to act in a similar fashion as I did. How sad that I wanted him to “Come to Jesus”, if you will, through my ways of disrespect and contempt.

Perhaps the reason why so many people found healing in Jesus is he didn’t disrespect them or hold them in his eyes as less than. He was a master of the heart. And when someone’s heart was full of shame, he showed them that there was a kingdom for them as well: a heavenly father who cared for their soul, and desired for them to know that they were accepted. Jesus wasn’t mean to mean righteous people either, he was clear. He delivered a sermon on the top of a hill that showed people how you might go about living if you wanted to have the love of God. At first he dealt with someone’s anger and contempt of others. For if we remove our anger and self righteousness at our brother we are almost halfway to life in the kingdom. But listen to what he has to say about condemnation of those you feel are not “living the RIGHT way.”

Matt 7:1-6: "Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.”
“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”
“Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."

This is a passage that hits at the very core of mean Christianity. This passage shows that how we view others in our hearts is the key to helping them.

Judging
initially, someone might see the flaw in Jesus’ logic if we were to simply not to judge. To be clear, Jesus is not talking about discernment. Could you imagine if you had a dentist that told you when you opened your mouth: “I’m sorry my faith prevents me from telling you about your teeth. I just can’t make that judgment call anymore.” When Jesus uses this word judge, he is specifically using the word that implies condemnation. Condemning someone is writing them off as a person. When you condemn a house, you are stating that the house is no longer truly a house. An example of a condemned person at the time of Jesus was a leper. Today many condemn the homeless, the elderly, etc. They see them as “less than.”

We can underline what Jesus is talking about by using the example of our dentist: what if he despised those who didn’t take care of their teeth? The scenario is: you open your mouth and all of the sudden he yells at you “GET OUT! I can’t work with someone who doesn’t have the same values about tooth care that I do.” This is a ridiculous example, but the words of Jesus still apply: as a dentist, you would see him as unprofessional, and you would probably warn your friends to not go to him. Isn’t it interesting in light of this passage, that we regularly see preachers condemning certain people to hell, or to heresy, yet they aren’t considered unprofessional. It is the preacher’s job to tell a clear story, and it is important to be able to discern what heresy is and what are characteristics of darkness that will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But to condemn, cut off, or write off a person as a person because of their behavior, means that you have demeaned their humanity and their potential. By putting them in this place, you have for fitted your ability to help them. And that is why Jesus makes fun of what you are trying to do with his next example.

Logging
Using a silly picture of someone with a log in their eye helping get a speck out of someone else’s eye, Jesus shows us how our condemnation of someone is really a deterrent to our helpful motives. Many have interpreted Jesus’ LOG as “your sin”, using this passage to explain that you need to be sinless to cast the first stone; Looking within for your own LOG before being justified in condemning someone else. But with the understanding of the condemning Judgementalism that exists in the passage before it, we see that the log is in actuality the condemnation that you have for the other. Jesus is clever in saying condemnation, especially with its usual accompaniments of anger and contempt and self righteousness, blinds us to the reality of the other person. We cannot “see clearly” how to assist our brother because we cannot see our brother. We will never know how to truly help someone until we have grown into the kind of person who does not condemn.

Pearling
But some may say:”I’m RIGHT though.” And they might be… And their self worth is mixed into telling someone how WRONG they are. Why does correcting someone fail as a strategy for helping them?

Jesus addresses this with some animal props. He uses dogs and pigs to show how important it is to help others with strategies that are helpful. Looking at the text at the time things that were holy and set apart for God were things that were in the temple. Things like lampstands, alters, and curtains. A simple question: What sort of help is it to give some curtains to a dog? Same question different animal: Does it help a pig if you feed in pearls? The answer is no help. Someone said to me that at most the dog would have a place to pee. It’s not about the worthiness of pigs or dogs, rather it’s about their needs. Pigs can’t digest pearls, and a dog doesn’t understand “holy.” When we offer things that have no relevance, the object of our offerings may turn on us, devouring us! Our attempt to offer our “pearls” and “holy things” actually keeps us from paying attention to those whom we are trying to help. Many well intentioned Christians have been taught that it is better to deliver RIGHT pearls of holy wisdom than to be kind. And so they become mean. Making sure that the one condemned knows why they are condemned.

So this is my answer:
The reason why Christians are so mean is because they have learned that it is better to be RIGHT than it is to be Christ like. They’ve learned to condemn and cut off others because of their beliefs, and would be happy to share their RIGHT beliefs with you so that they can justify that they are better than you. Thus completing the rejection

It just so happens that I am going to see my brother in law next week. And I think it’s time, after more than a decade, that I eat some humble pumpkin pie, and perhaps apologize for my monstrous behavior in our early relationship. UGH how embarrassing!

We don’t have to be mean. We can set aside our anger and condemnation. And even set aside other’s condemnation of us. (Can you imagine?) We can choose to be discerning without judging, and we can keep our good things to ourselves when they won’t be understood.