I’ve noticed that in my attempt to follow Jesus, something has backfired. My intensions have been good, but my methods haven’t given me the right mixture of what I need. As a result there has been an embarrassing explosion from the inside. Let me explain.
Jesus saved me from my life. My life that seemed to be out of meaning. It probably wasn’t the addict’s “rock bottom,” but it was the perfect turning point for me. I was searching searching searching… And soon I realized that I was searching for something REAL that I had experienced once once before. It may seem trivial or cliché, but when I was a freshman in highschool. I went to a friend’s church service, and a tangible electricity of joy went zapping through my system. Nobody knew it happened but me. It was this experience that turned me on to Jesus. But, because I didn’t go to that church, and because I didn’t know really what happened, I also didn’t put 2 and 2 together that this ZAPPO experience of joy was associated with Jesus. So, for a while, I was searching for that joy. And I looked all sorts of places.
At 20, I was re-aquainted with that joy as I was re-aquainted with Jesus. And in turn re-aquanted with his church and theirfore his followers. It was through them that I learned more about Him. They were good people, and had good intensions; and all had a glimpse of what was going on. And I wanted to be a part of it. I loved this new Joy. So I studied religion.
I saw these characters up front speaking these wonderful words that were changing my life week to week. I soon wanted to be that. I wanted to tell people about Jesus too! I wanted to speak life giving messages. And to do this you get to be called ‘pastor’. I wanted to do that, be that.
After school, I went to the Bridge Church, I wanted to be a pastor, but I felt the usual seminary route was an odd place to find your vocation. I found it weird that my friends were going to go to two or three years of school where they would become a“Master of Divinity” and then be stationed in a church somewhere for 35 years to tell people how to live. At 23 I didn’t feel I could tell anybody how to live. So I went back to Portland got a job and plunged into a church plant.
It took me three years of men’s group at the Bridge to realize that I had some hidden motivations in my “gung ho’ ness” towards ministry. We all have motives for what we do; both positive and negative. As I went to men’s group, I noticed that even though I DID have a great love for Jesus, and a passion for telling people about Jesus, I also had a huge need for feeling wanted and important. As I began to hammer out my inward world andas I became aware of it, I noticed a diabolical undercurrent: if I could get a spiritual edge, I would have the Ultimate Edge. Then I could be looked up to, and therefore be wanted and seen as important by others. My desire to be the vessel of the“message” was inwardly founded on my own innadaquacy. When I found this out, I was disguisted with my motives. I confessed my findings with Ken, one of the pastors of the Bridge (now pastoring HomePDX), and he encouraged me by saying. “isn’t it interesting that the real qualification of doing this job is being aware that you truly will never be qualified.” This continues to encourage me as I live as a man, who doesn’t know shit about God. I continue on “not being qualified” as I Search… Search… Search … for this Jesus that changes my life daily, yet always is somewhat elusive.
Some weeks I feel I have it… and then others I find that when I “thought I had it” I didn’t have it at all. As I was praying this morning I realized that I CARE about what YOU think of my spirituality. This is good. It comes with the job, but there is a nuance here that brings me back to that diabolical undercurrent. I care about what I can say to YOU to inspire YOU on your way to give YOUR life meaning. It is such a great calling to be up here giving YOU what YOU need. And then today I am confronted by my God who asks me “why aren’t you this passionate about YOUR life towards me.”
Jesus isn’t kicking my ass with his question, (or maybe he is… but) he questioning my motives. “What is the point of changing others’ lives, if you yourself are not changed?” Accolades, Importance, being wise, being loved. These are empty if you are empty.
My intensions have been good, but my methods haven’t given me the right mixture of what I need. My intensions were to “work for God” but the work somehow took precidence over God. My glorious task of telling people about Jesus because of what he has done for me has withered into a prayer to not look foolish on Sunday. My methods were to place myself in a role of godly influence, rather than place myself in the influence of God. Poor motives backfired my faith into something not to admire.
A backfire in a car typically happens when there isn’t enough gas coming in. There is too much air, and so as a result an untimed explosion happens from within.
This is what Jesus was getting at when when he said “unless your righteousness is more than that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” When Jesus is talking about heaven here, he isn’t talking about a place in the sky that you go once you’re dead. He is talking about God's space, where full reality exists. It is close by our ordinary ('earthly') reality and can and often does interlock with it. One day heaven and earth will be joined together forever, and the true state of affairs, which we can’t see, will be unveiled. It is this reality that we are praying for when we ask for “Your kingdom to come” in the Lord’s Prayer. And it is this reality that Jesus is saying you will NOT take part in unless you exceed the righteousness of the scribes and pharasees.
What does that mean?
The Scribes and Pharasees that Jesus is refering to is a group of people who have it all together ”spiritually.” They know what the bible says. They know how to quote it. They know that you shouldn’t kill people, commit adultary, and that you must draw up divorce papers if you want to get divorced. But Jesus is saying: There is an embarrassing noise coming out of these people’s heart. It’s causing them to not move forward. And it could ruin their engines entirely. These men are surrounding themselves with good stuff, yet their fuel is running lean. Filling their insides with a poor mixture of air, or unresolved earthly motivations.
Jesus is saying “To get in on what God is doing, you must let your insides burn clean, not lean.” You can’t just not kill people! Look at the true nature of your neighbor and let your anger, malice, and contempt be in check. It is not a law… something that you MUST do, it is something better: it is common sense. It is the fuel that lets your heart burn clean. If you work out your anger, it won’t lead to malice, which won’t lead to contempt, which obviously will not lead to murder. The same thing goes for adultary: If you keep in check your desire to seek someone out in order to have sex with them, then the ball won’t go boucing down that road either.
Let the common sense of the kingdom of heaven lead you. Allowing Jesus to lead you in your motivations. Allowing your insides to grow until they become your outsides. Don’t botch up all of the works by caring about the exterior. What’s going on on the inside?
“Why do you care more about what THEY think of your spirituality, than I do?” Jesus asks me. The real reason is I’m getting real time results from what I’m putting out. I’m getting my needs met. I’m showing people my “ultimate edge on them,” and therefore feeling important and wanted.
Jesus is saying to me: “There’s something better then that Geoff. What if you were doing good things because you were a part of what I was doing? What if I filled up that need to feel important, because I think you ARE important? I know you want to be wanted, let me be that for you. To fill that inner space with something other than me will make it pop, sputter, and explode. Your insides will collapse trying to hold up the shell of good things around you with nothing but bitterness and resentment. Why not be a part of my ultimate reality? It may look upside down to burn the fuel of the kingdom of God. It probably will be more painful than feeling “better” than someone else. But at least you won’t burn lean any more. You will move forward.
