The Death of Tony

I don’t have HBO. But about 7 years ago I got hooked on a show that was unique. The show started out with a balding man in a counselor’s office. The counselor was asking the normal first time counselor questions. You could tell the man’s reluctance at answering the questions. With a heavy New Jersey accent you heard him embarrassingly confess that he passed out. The counselor used the phrase “panic attack” which sets the man off saying “this can’t work.” The Doctor sees where the reluctance is coming from, and asks him why. He shares that he is in the “waste management” business, and that he could be seriously in danger if anyone found out that he was there. Tony is a Mob Boss.
Dr. Malfey assures Tony that as long as he doesn’t talk about any specifics to his job that point to crimes past or present, his occupation should not have any conflict with his therapy. Opening up, tony begins talking about the events that led up to his panic attack. Starting with a stressful conflict he had in the morning over a disputed debt collection. As Malfey reminds him to make sure to leave out any details that would infer crime, Tony looks up with a grin and very charmingly says “we had coffee.”
It was this charming grin, this very round character, Tony Soprano. Who was a Mob Boss but also a Father, a Husband, a Basket Case, a Problem solver, a Cheater, a Lover, and a man; He hooked me in. His efforts at caring for a caustic mother, his balance and failures in family life, and his success in keeping together an organization that corruption was the core; all of this made for a great use of an hour of my time.
I’d wait for the dvd’s to come out and when they did, my week was shot. Sometimes I’d catch a rogue “contemporary” viewing when I found someone with HBO, but usually it was all in one chunk. The initial writing of the first two seasons allowed me to have grace for some of the weaker characters and story lines that would follow. Still, it was a pleasure that I looked forward to.
Six or seven years later someone knew it was time. They needed to close out the show. This made me excited. How do you end such a complex show? Do you kill off the main character? Do you have him go into witness protection? I was there with the speculators letting my mind run with anticipation. As the episodes got closer and closer to the finale, you saw a deliberate movement of other bosses in Tony’s territory, you saw complex family issue creating new “Business issues”, and you also saw Tony becoming nicer and nicer. Could it be that the feds have what they need to jail tony for life? Could it be that Johnny Sac from new York offs Tony once and for all. Will Tony’s son be like his father? All of these would be answered at the season finale.
I scored a viewing at my parents’ house. They have HBO. The day arrives and as I’m watching the episode I’m noticing that it is going pretty slow. I say to myself. “um pick it up people you have a lot to accomplish in one episode.” Yet still snail’s pace. 20 minutes to the end I have yet to see any sort of loose end tied up so I think to myself “oh the last 10 minutes are going to be awesome. Finally about two minutes to the end you start to see something start to move in. Are they feds? Are they someone going to kill the whole family? There is a space of time where it will all be completed. We were all on the edge of our seat. And then nothing.
I mean nothing. The screen goes blank. All of us at once go “what?” and instinctively reach for the remote. Something happened! We’re missing the final information that will make this whole show worthwhile. Give us closure, give us carnage, give us an ending. Is the TV broken? Soon the credits start rolling up and I realize that THAT! Was the ending. NOTHING WAS THE ENDING! That was their choice. Not impressed.
For the next couple weeks I was reeling from the loss, pissed that I had spent all that time investing in the characters that these writers had spent so much time on. Only to have the writers just cop out and say “you make the call.” I was watching the show because I don’t have that kind of imagination. You need to spell it out for me. After a while I figured it was just a poor decision that got carried out, and I was over it. I had all the seasons on my shelf but the final one.
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I thought I was over it until Friday night.
First of all I never remember my dreams unless I wake up during them. Secondly the only time I wake up is during huge emotion. Fear from a scary dream, Tears from a sad dream, waking up laughing from a funny dream. Saturday morning I remembered my dream. And I did because I had a super intense emotion. You see… because I killed Tony Soprano.
Dreams are weird, and when you tell them to your friends you always feel more stupid after you’ve told it. “So we were in my house but it looked entirely different, and My best friend Jack Rusina from grade school was there, but he had half of Christy Brinkley’s face. Anyway…”
So in my dream I was posing as a waiter at this Italian restaurant. And I had a gun, but it wasn’t a real gun because I couldn’t use a real gun for whatever reason. So instead I had a handmade gun… like what John Malcovich used in that one movie that he was going to kill the president… I think Kevin Costner was in it. Anyway… There he was, Tony Soprano. Obviously still alive and kicking. Not in witness protection, still doing the same old thing. I did my job as waiter, filled up his water, took his order, waiting for the opportunity. Tony was alone, the restaurant was full but his table was for one. Between the bread and the main dish I knew it was time. Not a lot of fear, just duty bound.
I held out my oddly crafted pipe gun that was made out of wood putty. I aimed. This was important as it seemed to function like a video game sniper. I realized that if I was hasty, and just wanting the job over with I would have shot off Mr. Soprano’s Nose. I re-aimed for the middle of his head and pulled the trigger.
At this point I woke up. This was because I had a huge emotion. It wasn’t an intense fear for my life that someone would come after me in revenge. It wasn’t remorse for killing a man. It was pure joy and satisfaction. Satisfaction at this accomplished work. It was over. As my eyes opened, and I felt the joy of knowing something very odd, something very black and white, the end of a struggle. Tony to me was a very complex man, with charm, and many endearing qualities. Those qualities made the rest of him palatable. The killing, crime boss had not escaped death again. My bullet had killed him once and for all.
It was so weird because I didn’t have the luxury of being sad for Tony the family man, I only felt joy that his reign of crime was over. His killing is now at an end. His charming smile would no longer carry me down the road of theft, drugs, cheating, or violence. Perhaps I was happiest because I finally knew the end, and maybe I killed him off because I blamed him for writers that wouldn’t commit to an end. Regardless, I was not conflicted about his death, nor am I today. TONY NEEDED TO DIE!
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Last week Todd talked on a concept that we’ve been fiddling around with called the 25%. How I understand it is it your soft underbelly where there is very light armor. It is the percentage of you that you hide from, that you want no one to know about… especially your enemies. Also, because we spend a lot of time guarding our 25%, it also acts as a significant motivator in our lives. For instance: one of the constant voices in my 25% is that I feel worthless in all that I do. You may agree, you may disagree, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. As a result, if it isn’t in check, it fuels motivations. Sometimes it has positive motivations associated with it out of reaction such as talking a sermon on Sunday… trying to do less worthless things. Other times it can have negative motivations, like if I were to not have this 25% in check my relationship with you would solely be based on whether YOU make me feel better about myself.
When we’ve talked about this, I also found that this 25% worked really well with my addictions. I found that my addictions our directly related to wanting to TURN OFF that feeling of worthlessness in my life.
What is addiction? Addiction is a compulsion to use a substance to feel good, or to avoid feeling bad. Narcotics Anonymous believes that defining addiction is part of the recovery process. They also state that your first step is to admit your powerlessness over it. That admission is the foundation upon which their recovery is built. What is that thing that you are powerless over? That thing that you need God’s grace every day in order to live without.
For me addiction is that compulsion that gets hold of your life and pulls you down to death. It’s very similar to a good family man who has a cool accent that you hear is in the mob. He starts taking you under his wing and you do some small jobs for him. You get the bug, you like the people, and you begin asking for more. Soon you start doing things that you can’t talk about. You begin reconciling how you live. And you realize that you are trapped. You can’t get out. You are either going to die, or you are going to work for Tony, and kill others.
I’m going to say something that is not normal for me at all. The things that are in your life that you have in there because your life has been difficult; those addictions that are slowly scraping away at your personality; those things that are beginning to be more YOU than you. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, manipulation, sex, whatever it is. KNOCK IT OFF.
Let me be careful when I say this. Because I don’t want you to equate addiction with evil, addiction with bad. We all have struggles that we must overcome. I also don’t want you to feel like you can’t be at church or around me if you do have those. “Knock it off” has been a mantra of spiritual organizations. “Knock it off, fly right! Be a part of the light not the dark, and if you are in the dark, than you don’t belong.” Let me encourage you. You are loved NO MATTER WHAT! God loves you because you exist. What I am saying is NOT a love contingency. I am NOT saying “I’ll love you IF.”
What I am saying is that your addiction affects those around you because it is a social disease. It affects all family members. It’s a genetic disease, so it’s affecting more than one person your family, literally. And it operates in a system. That disease affects all the other members of the system. It contains itself by using that system and we have to change the system so the disease can’t flourish any longer.
We need to change our system. No one wants a bunch of weird spiritual tattletales. No one wants to feel like they are going to be gastoppoed. But in order to have this community flourish, we cannot be a culture of enablers to our addictions. We need to work together to climb out.
Paul writes a little about this in Romans 6
5 Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. 6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. 9 We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. 10 When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.
Paul says reckon yourselves dead to sin. Reckon yourself dead to your addiction. Meaning COUNT on the fact that we are dead to sin. Count on it! If it is dead then let it be dead. Are you trying to stick around and raise it up again? Tony Soprano will no longer be alive. There might be his henchman, there might be his business; but when something is dead, COUNT on him no longer having dinner with you or putting you into his service. There is no more TONY! There is no more addiction. There is no more sin. It’s gone.
OK the next part talks about the practicalities:
12 Do not let sin control the way you live;[a] do not give in to sinful desires. 13 Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. 14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace
You shouldn’t just “know” that stuff is dead. Paul is encouraging us to do the practical living out of what we may know. He says don’t yield yourself as an instrument of your addiction. Don’t present yourself to who you were. We are powerless over our addictions. Paul is encouraging us to not present ourselves to that addiction. If you struggle with WHATEVER, don’t present yourself to whatever. Don’t follow Tony into that place just because he has a nice smile. “He’s telling the truth though, a little bit doesn’t hurt.” He’s dead. Don’t follow him there.
A little girl fell out of bed one night and began to cry. Her mom rushed into her bedroom, picked her up, put her back into bed, and asked her, “why’d you fall out?” and she said “ I think I stayed to close to the place where I got in.” And that’s the reason many of us fall back into our game. We’re in too close to where the chaos of our addiction would suck us in and make us work for that addiction. We’re entering Christianity, taking advantage of the grace, and sticking too close to the door we entered in on.
The stains might stay in the carpeting of the Italian restaurant. And we may not be able to get rid of the corpse for good. But we are told “present yourselves to God.” Yield yourself to God. Don’t let Tony have your world. Don’t let his chaos dictate who you are. Present yourself to God.
I think that is why I felt such joy in the dream, because I no longer had to compromise to a way of life that was death. I was free. And I was presenting myself to freedom.
Now, there are those that may say. “Hey… I’m going to die anyway. I might as well live it up.” But I ask, is your life a life you want to live? Or are you trapped making decisions that perpetuate a lifestyle you don’t want? “Then what can I do to counteract addiction?” Let me share an attitude that is in the bible that understands fatalistic thinking (I’m going to die) but gives an answer to life, even more, life in opposition to addiction.
Philipians2: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
Paul’s 25% is that he hates that he has murdered people that would have been his friends. He would rather stuff it into a closet somewhere than let it air out. He has positive motivators in his life compensating for his grievous bloody past; he’s out there telling people about the Jesus that changed his life. But in negative times Paul possibly slips into an addiction of self righteousness. I’m right, you’re wrong, and this cuts him off from relationship with others, and he begins working for Tony. A lonely job when you’re in jail. His addiction may say to him at night. You’re right, you don’t need anyone, and you can die now. But Paul in Philippians found the one thing that counteracts the narcissism of his addiction: Service.
It’s time to learn to be of service. This IS the opposite of addiction. It fights with everything that addiction wants. If you want to change from problem to solution, serve those you have hurt. When I see someone doing just simple acts of service, like going out and serving someone a sandwich, that’s when I know that sobriety is kicking in.
I know it is scary. I know you’ve been within his service for a long time. But today it is time to shoot your addiction…DEAD. Don’t go trying to revive it. It is dead. Learn to not get close enough to pick it up again. Stay away from its swirl. YOU ARE POWERLESS AGAINST IT. Finally, place the opposite in your life, and serve others.
I thought it would be cool to do a mind exercise to end with. Because addiction is a brain disease, I thought a brain exercise might help.
Find a quiet spot where you will be able to not be interrupted for 15 minutes. Close your eyes and envision the following:
You are at the Italian Restaurant. Smells of pasta, meat sauce, and fresh bread are in the air. Checkered tablecloths all around, perhaps a accordion music playing in the background. You are dressed as a head waiter; black comfortable clothing and your apron. Under a napkin you hold a pistol. Its weight in your hand is one of power, of danger, of reality that death is imminent.
Your addiction is at the fifth table. Take a look at it. It runs your world. Is it an old balding man that has you working and doing things you hate? Is it a beautiful woman that uses her manipulation to hold you down? What does it look like? Describe it. Who is it? How have they captured you?
It’s time. You approach in slow motion. Raise your napkined hand. Aim for the middle of the skull. And pull the trigger. The bullet is right on target. There are screams. Your addiction falls dead. Calmly, like an assassin, you leave the scene free. Free. You no longer serve it. It is dead.
Now as a final exercise. Take a look at the people that were affected by your service of that addiction. Who was hurt? What relationships were strained? Choose one of those people, and plan to serve them. What would they like? What would they appreciate? Schedule a time where you will do that one act. And know when that is accomplished, it is one more nail in the coffin of your addiction.