I spent most of my week sick, and working. Not a lot else. Oh, I also spent some of my week feeling guilty. Guilty, because I had to come face to face with my own mountain of inadequacy. This week I met my “enemy” and we grappled in a battle royale for my soul.
My enemy came by this week…we had dinner. There were no poor words exchanged, no violence to be witnessed. In fact, the entire situation for you, that lead heroic or adventurous lives, was not at all like that. It was simply a reminder of a very painful relationship -- one that I had tried to stuff down in the corner of my smile. And in one look, a glance, and a one sided conversation, I found myself face to face with my enemy -- Mono e mono.
This enemy wasn’t the epitome of evil. I wish he was… it would make it easier to condemn him. Throw him in jail… condemn him to hell… or just be plain rude to him. Some days I think it would be better to live in Colorado Springs because stuff is much more black and white there. But my enemy won’t go to jail for manslaughter. Or be the title on a horror film one day. He probably won’t even get past his own mediocrity. This guy simply annoys the piss out of me. Let me tell you why, a little bit. First of all, every conversation I’ve had with this person is one sided… It’s all about him, what’s going on, and what his deal is (or, what his deal with me, is). Also, there is something about this guy that just pushes every button on my console. Something about his demeanor, about the way he talks just flips me out. Just because of our history… if his name comes up it makes me turn my fist up and recite like Jerry did in the 90’s… “Newman!” My enemy.
I call myself a Christian. If someone were to say “you call yourself a Christian?” I’d say yes. I feel strongly toward God giving me grace. I feel strongly about myself giving grace. There are all sorts of scriptures that back me up on that. However, I don’t like to be the bad guy when it comes to my own faith. When the question is asked “do you call yourself a Christian?” I don’t like to be the person that sheepishly answers “yes,” because I know very well what I did wrong. Or what I want to sidestep. Or who knows!?!
So I have come to understand that I have a very sacred relationship with my enemy. Because, every time my enemy comes by and elbows me in the ribs, I am face to face with my own searing painful outlook on this person. I can’t imagine that this person doesn’t know that his very existence is a thorn in my side! However, the thought of him being oblivious to that only feeds my fire to burning man proportions. And I know Jesus’ voice is trying to help by saying, “Forgive him,” “Let it go,” “Turn the other cheek.” But for some reason, all it does is indicate how far I fall short. My relationship to my enemy is sacred because his existence makes me very aware of how much of a prick I am.
Christ talks about our need to forgive others. And when I’m in this state, it seems to always be coupled with a looming spiritual fist. Mt 6:14 15 - For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Mt 18:35 - This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart. Mr 11:25 - And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.Lu 6:37 - Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Lu 11:4 - Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.To me, there’s a theme bubbling up here. It seems forgiveness is important to God… our forgiveness is contingent on our own forgiveness of others. I love that God is into keeping us accountable to loving our neighbor, except why does our neighbor have to be such a jerk?
Our neighbors, our enemies are all around us, telling us where we are on the forgiveness meter. Those who are forgiven are a non issue… those that aren’t, aren’t. I read a short thought from Anne Lamott this week in regard to her own enemy… her dead mother. She Writes:I put the brown plastic box of my mother’s ashes in the closet as soon as it came back from the funeral home, two years ago, thinking I could at last give up all hope that a wafting white robed figure would rise from the ashes of my despair and say, “Oh little one, my darling daughter, I am here for you now.” I prayed for my heart to soften, to forgive her and love her for what she did give me – life, great values, a lot of tennis lessons, and the best she could do. Unfortunately, the best she could do was terrible, like the Minister of Silly Walks trying to raise an extremely sensitive young girl, and my heart remained hardened toward her.
So I left her in the closet for two years to stew in her own ashes, and refused to be nice to her, and didn’t forgive her for being terrified, furious, clinging, sucking maw of need and arrogance. I suppose that sounds harsh. I assumed Jesus wanted me to forgive her, but I also know he loves honesty and transparency. I don’t think he was rolling his eyes impatiently at me while she was in the closet. I don’t think much surprises him: this is how we make important changes – barely, poorly, slowly.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to get over having had Nikki for a mother, and I have to say that from day one after she died, I liked having a dead mother much more than having an impossible one. I really loved her, and was proud of some heroic things she had done with her life. But she was like someone who had broken my leg, and my leg had healed badly, and would limp forever.
I couldn’t pretend she hadn’t done extensive damage – that’s called denial. But I wanted to dance anyway, even with a limp. I know forgiveness is a component of freedom, yet I couldn’t even after she died grant her amnesty. Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You’re done. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare.
Today I got the brown plastic box of ashes out of the closet. I sat with it on my lap. The pouch on my belly is nice for holding children, so I let my mother sit there for a few minutes. I don’t actually forgive her much yet but I definitely was not hating her anymore. Grace means you’re in a different universe from where you had been stuck, when you had absolutely no way to get there on your own.
When it happens – when you stop hating- you have to pinch yourself. Jesus said, “The point is to not hate and kill each other today, and if you can, to help the forgotten and powerless. Can you write that down and leave it by the phone?” so I picked up my mother’s ashes, and put them on a shelf in the living room, and stood beside them for a while.
I thought I had forgiven this enemy of mine. But the problem is, he just keeps coming back into my life. I wish I could leave him in a closet for 2 years, wait for me to not hate him anymore. But the reality of life is, our enemies come in, break our legs, and leave us limping. Then they mosey down the street in front of us with smooth steps. As I was reading this, I began to understand that forgiveness is the goal. Jesus wants us to reach the goal. But we can’t put ourselves in hell if we are not there yet. I think what was so strong to me is understanding that if I need time to deal with my limp, if I need to not be around my enemy so that I can hate him less… that’s OK, that’s not un-forgiveness it’s moving toward forgiveness. It’s called “Giving grace.”
All of us today have an enemy, a “Newman”, a “Nikki”. We have a box that has been placed in the closet to heal, we have a desire to move it to the living room shelf and be able to stand near it. To hate it less. To follow Jesus’ words. And, ultimately forgive. In the meantime, we may need grace for our grace. Time for our ashes to stew for a while. But Jesus loves us and is holding our hand as we experience our humanity. Our need for grace, and our need to give it. Today… let’s try to do both.
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