Burn Clean

I’ve noticed that in my attempt to follow Jesus, something has backfired. My intensions have been good, but my methods haven’t given me the right mixture of what I need. As a result there has been an embarrassing explosion from the inside. Let me explain.

Jesus saved me from my life. My life that seemed to be out of meaning. It probably wasn’t the addict’s “rock bottom,” but it was the perfect turning point for me. I was searching searching searching… And soon I realized that I was searching for something REAL that I had experienced once once before. It may seem trivial or cliché, but when I was a freshman in highschool. I went to a friend’s church service, and a tangible electricity of joy went zapping through my system. Nobody knew it happened but me. It was this experience that turned me on to Jesus. But, because I didn’t go to that church, and because I didn’t know really what happened, I also didn’t put 2 and 2 together that this ZAPPO experience of joy was associated with Jesus. So, for a while, I was searching for that joy. And I looked all sorts of places.

At 20, I was re-aquainted with that joy as I was re-aquainted with Jesus. And in turn re-aquanted with his church and theirfore his followers. It was through them that I learned more about Him. They were good people, and had good intensions; and all had a glimpse of what was going on. And I wanted to be a part of it. I loved this new Joy. So I studied religion.

I saw these characters up front speaking these wonderful words that were changing my life week to week. I soon wanted to be that. I wanted to tell people about Jesus too! I wanted to speak life giving messages. And to do this you get to be called ‘pastor’. I wanted to do that, be that.

After school, I went to the Bridge Church, I wanted to be a pastor, but I felt the usual seminary route was an odd place to find your vocation. I found it weird that my friends were going to go to two or three years of school where they would become a“Master of Divinity” and then be stationed in a church somewhere for 35 years to tell people how to live. At 23 I didn’t feel I could tell anybody how to live. So I went back to Portland got a job and plunged into a church plant.

It took me three years of men’s group at the Bridge to realize that I had some hidden motivations in my “gung ho’ ness” towards ministry. We all have motives for what we do; both positive and negative. As I went to men’s group, I noticed that even though I DID have a great love for Jesus, and a passion for telling people about Jesus, I also had a huge need for feeling wanted and important. As I began to hammer out my inward world andas I became aware of it, I noticed a diabolical undercurrent: if I could get a spiritual edge, I would have the Ultimate Edge. Then I could be looked up to, and therefore be wanted and seen as important by others. My desire to be the vessel of the“message” was inwardly founded on my own innadaquacy. When I found this out, I was disguisted with my motives. I confessed my findings with Ken, one of the pastors of the Bridge (now pastoring HomePDX), and he encouraged me by saying. “isn’t it interesting that the real qualification of doing this job is being aware that you truly will never be qualified.” This continues to encourage me as I live as a man, who doesn’t know shit about God. I continue on “not being qualified” as I Search… Search… Search … for this Jesus that changes my life daily, yet always is somewhat elusive.

Some weeks I feel I have it… and then others I find that when I “thought I had it” I didn’t have it at all. As I was praying this morning I realized that I CARE about what YOU think of my spirituality. This is good. It comes with the job, but there is a nuance here that brings me back to that diabolical undercurrent. I care about what I can say to YOU to inspire YOU on your way to give YOUR life meaning.  It is such a great calling to be up here giving YOU what YOU need. And then today I am confronted by my God who asks me “why aren’t you this passionate about YOUR life towards me.”  

Jesus isn’t kicking my ass with his question, (or maybe he is… but) he questioning my motives. “What is the point of changing others’ lives, if you yourself are not changed?” Accolades, Importance, being wise, being loved. These are empty if you are empty.

My intensions have been good, but my methods haven’t given me the right mixture of what I need. My intensions were to “work for God” but the work somehow took precidence over God. My glorious task of telling people about Jesus because of what he has done for me has withered into a prayer to not look foolish on Sunday. My methods were to place myself in a role of godly influence, rather than place myself in the influence of God. Poor motives backfired my faith into something not to admire.

A backfire in a car typically happens when there isn’t enough gas coming in. There is too much air, and so as a result an untimed explosion happens from within.

This is what Jesus was getting at when when he said “unless your righteousness is more than that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” When Jesus is talking about heaven here, he isn’t talking about a place in the sky that you go once you’re dead. He is talking about God's space, where full reality exists. It is close by our ordinary ('earthly') reality and can and often does interlock with it. One day heaven and earth will be joined together forever, and the true state of affairs, which we can’t see, will be unveiled. It is this reality that we are praying for when we ask for “Your kingdom to come” in the Lord’s Prayer. And it is this reality that Jesus is saying you will NOT take part in unless you exceed the righteousness of the scribes and pharasees.

What does that mean?

The Scribes and Pharasees that Jesus is refering to is a group of people who have it all together ”spiritually.” They know what the bible says. They know how to quote it. They know that you shouldn’t kill people, commit adultary, and that you must draw up divorce papers if you want to get divorced. But Jesus is saying: There is an embarrassing noise coming out of these people’s heart. It’s causing them to not move forward. And it could ruin their engines entirely. These men are surrounding themselves with good stuff, yet their fuel is running lean. Filling their insides with a poor mixture of air, or unresolved  earthly motivations.

Jesus is saying “To get in on what God is doing, you must let your insides burn clean, not lean.” You can’t just not kill people! Look at the true nature of your neighbor and let your anger, malice, and contempt be in check. It is not a law… something that you MUST do, it is something better: it is common sense. It is the fuel that lets your heart burn clean. If you work out your anger, it won’t lead to malice, which won’t lead to contempt, which obviously will not lead to murder. The same thing goes for adultary: If you keep in check your desire to seek someone out in order to have sex with them, then the ball won’t go boucing down that road either.

Let the common sense of the kingdom of heaven lead you. Allowing Jesus to lead you in your motivations. Allowing your insides to grow until they become your outsides. Don’t botch up all of the works by caring about the exterior. What’s going on on the inside?

“Why do you care more about what THEY think of your spirituality, than I do?” Jesus asks me. The real reason is I’m getting real time results from what I’m putting out. I’m getting my needs met. I’m showing people my “ultimate edge on them,” and therefore feeling important and wanted.

Jesus is saying to me: “There’s something better then that Geoff. What if you were doing good things because you were a part of what I was doing? What if I filled up that need to feel important, because I think you ARE important? I know you want to be wanted, let me be that for you. To fill that inner space with something other than me will make it pop, sputter, and explode. Your insides will collapse trying to hold up the shell of good things around you with nothing but bitterness and resentment. Why not be a part of my ultimate reality? It may look upside down to burn the fuel of the kingdom of God. It probably will be more painful than feeling “better” than someone else. But at least you won’t burn lean any more. You will move forward.

My Quest for something...

I want something that I don’t have. I’m not sure what it is. But it is something that is very real; more real than my hand. But I don’t have it.  Perhaps if I conceptually knew what it was that I needed I wouldn’t be in this delemma. But I don’t know what it is I need. I have an idea. And it is my hope that that idea will bring me to what I desire. But I could be wrong... I’ve been wrong before…

But this gives me hope:
John6:26Jesus answered them, I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, you have been searching for Me, not because you saw the miracles and signs but because you were fed with the loaves and were filled and satisfied.
    27Stop toiling and doing and producing for the food that perishes and decomposes [in the using], but strive and work and produce rather for the [lasting] food which endures [continually] unto life eternal; the Son of Man will furnish you that, for God the Father has authorized and certified Him and put His seal of endorsement upon Him.This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger].
31Our forefathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as the Scripture says, He gave them bread out of heaven to eat.(A)    I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Moses did not give you the Bread from heaven, but it is My Father Who gives you the true heavenly Bread.    33For the Bread of God is He Who comes down out of heaven and gives life to the world.

 34Then they said to Him, Lord, give us this bread always (all the time)!

 35Jesus replied, I am the Bread of Life. He who comes to Me will never be hungry, and he who believes in and cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Me will never thirst any more (at any time).

I personally NEED this answer. I am on a quest for the bread of life, for the living water that will never make me thirsty again. I WANT the Way the Truth and the life. I’m on a quest for the real Jesus…  Not “THINGS” a loaf of bread… not a drink of water… and not a bearded guy. But the one/thing that can fill that empty neediness inside of me that is clammoring and clanging and continually climbing up the drapes of this life WANTING MORE… And I’m hoping He is IT.

Marraige...

Marriage – That’s right…we’re talking about marriage. We’ve been married for two and a half years, so that definitely makes us the authority figures on marriage?!?

C: Let me tell you how we met…Geoff and I met at bar. That’s right, PASTOR Geoff and I met at a BAR. Doug Fir to be exact…because that’s where the beautiful people hang out...oh, wait, it was Drew Grow’s birthday party. I spotted him at the end of the table and thought, “Who’s that cute guy? I’m gonna sit by him….” I introduced myself and he introduced himself and after a few blackberry cosmopolitans and encouragement from my dear friend, Gwyneth, I invited him to my birthday party two nights later….thinking he won’t show up. Well, he did…

G: There were so many opportunities where we could have met before Drew’s birthday. Crystal was really good friends with Drew, Jenn, and even knew Ken and Deborah…and hung with them on a regular basis. She even actually came to The Bridge several times. It’s weird, really weird, that we had never met until that night but it was also very weird that two weeks previous, I had been talking to God about the type of person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and made a list. I had no idea that list would walk in and sit by me and give me a high five and say, “Well, welcome to the club!”

C: All that to say, do not give up on your heart or the hearts of other people. For those of you that don’t know, Geoff and I were actually previously married...and divorced. The fact that we had never bumped into each other until that night was absolutely God and His plan. Jeremiah 29:11 “I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” So, don’t give up, but also don’t settle. You deserve your list.
So, Geoff and I have been married for 2 ½ years, and before that, we were married so, we have about 13 years of marriage accumulatively under our belts…..so take that.

G: Which means we know what does/doesn’t work:

C: What doesn’t work:
· Having a wife who seeks relationship with other men.
· Having a husband who makes you weigh in every week because he thinks you’re a fat ass.
· Dismissing the fact that your mom thinks your future wife is immature because she’s 19.
· Sitting on the counseling couch with your husband and having him say, “Well, look at her, would you want to be married to that? She’s repulsive.” Then have him pick you apart from head to toe….and then paying the counselor.
· Telling your future wife your mom thinks she’s immature.
· Having a husband who gives your new cat to his girlfriend as a gift.

C: If you didn’t get a chance to write all of these down, we are going to submit them to Crumbs for your reference. It may be over 200 words, but…helpful!

G: Ephesians 5: 22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk,( By the way, men, take note…Jesus is interested in clothes…hello! White silk.) radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.
What does that mean to you? (open floor question)

C: To me, that means WE (collectively) aren’t a joke to Christ. Spiritually, that means to me, that Christ makes us whole. He speaks well of us in public. He brings the best out in us. He goes all out for us. He WENT all out for us. As a female, that makes me feel secure, adored, wanted, safe, and desirable, empowered to trust, empowered in general and loved. Christ isn’t around the corner going “She is driving me nuts…I can’t believe she did this and this. And have you seen her ass lately? She could use some time on the treadmill. She has the lamest ideas. She doesn’t deserve shit from me….” EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS DESIGNED TO BRING OUT THE BEST OF HER.

A few months ago, Geoff and I met with an old friend of mine. This was the first time Geoff had met this person. We were sitting having coffee when my friend asks Geoff, “So, how long have you guys been married?” Geoff responded with, “Almost two years!” The guy then jokingly asked, “How many time since then have you reqretted that decision?” Geoff didn’t laugh. The friend said, “Uh, that was a joke.” Geoff didn’t laugh, meanwhile I laughed nervously thinking, “Oh shit…” “Dude, it was a joke.” Geoff leaned toward the table and said, “Let’s get something straight here. Crystal, is not a joke. My marriage to her, is not a joke. So, you can joke about anything else, you just can’t joke about her.” Boom. UNCOMFORTABLE!! BUT, the result for me was knowing– I’m not a joke to Geoff. He didn’t laugh and then cover his mouth thinking, “Oh crap, I’m going to catch shit for this later.” He just didn’t laugh. It opened my eyes to how he feels about me and made me feel secure, adored, wanted, safe, and desirable, empowered to trust, etc. It made me trust him. EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS DESIGNED TO BRING OUT THE BEST OF HER

My parents have been married for 42 years. I remember growing up and the one thing that would instantly get my dad’s blood boiling and get us in huge trouble is if we were disrespectful to my mom – my mom wasn’t and still isn’t a joke to my dad. He has huge respect for her. I also remember sneaking upstairs to watch TV behind the recliner and seeing my mom and dad sitting on the couch, my dad rubbing my mom’s feet….A LOVE MARKED BY GIVING, NOT GETTING. Not to say my dad didn’t receive love back from my mom, he just loved her and so he did small gestures like that to show her he loved her. My mom still makes him a sack lunch for work every day…A LOVE MARKED BY GIVING, NOT GETTING. And because they both do that, they both get.

G: Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. That’s a really hard thing to do. And, marriage is really hard….Case in point. Crystal and I got a hankering to sing some Karaoke. Somehow I love breaking out Neil Diamond classics. Don’t Judge me. Well… at the table next to us were a bunch of dancer types… let’s just leave it at that. One in particular was Sadie. Sadie was about 6.1 with a dancer type of body that you could see because she had a stretchy close fitting dress on that she kept pulling up. Yeah needless to say… Sadie had some issues (and little underwear.)

Sometimes in Karaoke you just have to dance. And when Hall and Oats “Maneater” comes on, that’s one of those times. So Crystal and I get up to get our 80’s groove on. It was apparent that Sadie needed to dance too. And she spun into the group of dancers doing odd dancer type lunges. It all went so fast. The singer hit the chorus “Oh here she comes” and then I noticed Sadie lunging at me. She was doing an alligator type move as she got closer. Saying “I’m a man eater.” This would be somewhat dismissible if she hadn’t backed me up against the window and put her leg on my shoulder. Now, I have never had to slap someone in the solar plexus before… repeatedly…but, I did, with Sadie.

After shoving her off of me, Crystal stepped in: “You’re done.” Sadie said “what?”Crystal said “that is my husband. You’re done” Sadie told her “I just put my leg on him” Crystal brought it to a close “I will put my fists on you if you try that again.”

It took me about an hour to get out of my dance floor legging funk. When I snapped out of it, I was astounded at the wisdom of Hall and Oats reminding me to “watch out boy or she’ll chew me up.” As I looked across the table and I saw my wife and I was very happy to be married. I was happy that in midst of an odd scuffle in which a strange woman put her leg on my shoulder (while not wearing much underwear)… My wife had my back. My partner was ready to rumble for me. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. This is the way my wife showed this to me. This was the way Crystal respected me.
Marriage can be placed on a hum drum shelf. People can simply dismiss it as “this is what you are supposed to do.” But there are those that see their marriage as not hum drum at all. The late Morrie Schwartz said this “there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values… is your belief in the importance of your marriage.” You need to be ready to rumble for their partner.

C: Not only do we need to be ready to do fist to cuffs for our spouses, or even our friends…Ephesians talks about how Christ loves the church – that’s all of us. That’s married people, that’s single people, children, the widows, the poor. We need to speak well of each other in public. We need to have grace for one another. Give and ask forgiveness, readily. We’re all really doing ourselves a favor because we are one body in Christ. We need to stop screwing around on each other and commit and love each other and find importance in that.
1 Corinthians 13 gives us a really incredible picture of that.

Love is Patient… We can give each other time and space to develop at our own pace.Love is kind… We can give each other words, thoughts and actions that are tender.Love does not envy… we can be glad for one another’s’ successes.Love does not boast… we can choose to never say, "I told you so."Love is not proud… but we can be proud of one another.Love is not rude… we can choose to not crash into each others’ lives with advice not asked for.Love is not self seeking… we can give a gift of laying aside our expectations of each other.Love is not easily angered… we can know that this too will pass.Love keeps no record of wrongs… we can let our pasts die and our tomorrows live.G: We can choose to not delight when bad things happen to each other and rejoice when good comes our way.C: We can always protect each other with our words.G: We can always trust God and each other to find the right path.C: We can always hope that goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives.G: We can always persevere with one another.C: That kind of love will never fail us.

G: Hearing these words from 1 Corinthians, we, as a church, can commit to each other and God and find importance in that. We are going to do something together to signify that WE are not a joke and solidify our commitment to our relationship as a community in Christ. Those that feel uncomfortable do not need to participate – there’s freedom. But I will ask a series of questions and those that wish to participate can respond at the end by saying, “I will.”

Those that wish to participate, please stand.Will you let your pasts die and your tomorrows live?Will you always uphold each other with your words both publicly and privately?Will you stand together in good times and in hard times?Will you seek to understand and support each other?Will you do your best to bring out the best in one another?Will you withhold your wisdom and advice unless and until asked?Will you love each other?
If you agree to do these things please declare that by saying. "I Will"
You may now kiss the bride!

C: The commitment to your marriage is not something to be taken lightly; you are one. This commitment we have made today, this union, is not a joke, we are all one. Love you guys. Let’s all help each other pack up and get groceries are downstairs.

Whores and Sugar Daddies

Lately I have been going through quite a bit of self exploration. And I remembered one memory in general. It was my very first boyscout summercamp. Boy Scouts… not Cub Scouts. Which is a scary organization based on taking children into the woods and teaching them to light fires. So I just joined troop 7 wyeast at 11. And went to a week long summer camp in Puget Sound. I was in charge of what merit badges to get which was why at the end of the week I had dropped out of all of them but one. I took swimming lessons, so I thought I would get my swimming merit badge easy, but when you are diving into the freezing waters of puget sound with jeans on and you almost drown picking up a rock, that can be intimidating at 11. So you guys know I DID get my swimming merit badge the following year. I almost drown then too. Anyway… my dad arrived at summercamp at the end of the week and asked how I was doing. It was two days until we were going home and I told him that the only merit badge class that I didn’t drop was woodworking. He asked how that’s going. I told him not well seeing that I haven’t done the two assignments required. He puffed up his dad chest and said, well let’s get to work. At the time it was what I needed. My eleven year old brain was ready to give up on a difficult first summer camp. But my dad saw there was still two more days to finish the assignments. He held my feet to the fire so I could whittle something stupid that met the requirements. I got my first merit badge.

In life, we learn how we get things accomplished. This merit badge was a great lesson in getting something done, but it seemed to begin a pattern in my life. Major things in my life would leave me at a place of disenchantment. And then I would find my dad there to create a solution. This was a wonderful almost Godly analogy. But one thing that happened in this pattern was I didn’t learn from my mistakes. I didn’t take responsibility for getting myself into the mess. I didn’t fall flat on my face.

No one wants to fall, and no parent wants their kid to fall. But sometimes it takes a fall to change a life direction. As a result I learned a skill to rely on others to bail me out so that I didn’t fall. Relying on others may not sound all that bad, but at the cost of personal responsibility, maturity, and your own manhood believe me, this nuance and behavior has a particular cost to my soul.

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Prostitution is one of the oldest carreers out there. And some would like to tell you it’s someone’s carreer choice. As a teenager I was naïve enough to dream about it as a career choice. But when you get down to it, those that are in the profession may want out. They may want a new direction for their life to take. Less difficult, less reliant on getting drunk or high to manage the night, less acting like a whore in public, and the vulger reality of it all in private.

This was the context of some who saw a crazy prophet called John the Baptist. John made people see that they could change their life, that they could be baptised, and begin new. It didn’t matter who they were, and what they were, they only needed to come. Those listening saw the light in his eyes and the extreme words of his heart that let them believe that this was their day to change. That no matter what their past, they had a future with God.

There were others that weren’t all that impressed with John. They thought his techniques and methods were a little outlandish, and probably created extremists. They went to listen and mainly make fun of him. It was halarious to see the local pimp, whore, and thug get drenched in the water… like that’s all it took to be with God.

What were these people thinking? What was John thinking? Did he have a follow up ministry in which the whores and thugs were trained to fix computers? There may have been some follow up discipleship programs, but how do you go from a prostitute to not?

Jesus told this parable to those who made fun of his cousin John the B: "What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.' "'I will not,' he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.”Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir,' but he did not go.

"Which of the two did what his father wanted?" "The first," they answered. Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.

We all have our contexts. Our circomstances that have grown beyond our control. We have those things in our lives that have crept in and trapped us like a caged animal. Some of us can’t see our own cage. Like the ones Jesus is talking to. Jesus is highlighting that small door that has been openned that has the ability to spoil our entire soul. The prostitute, the thug, they’re easy to call out… it’s in their name. Everybody knows what they do. But just like them, we all have histories. We have our first breech of our heart. That first whoring in some way or another. Usually after the fact the feeling of shame accompanies it. What a strong image. Whore. The giving up of yourself for money. The giving up of yourself for responsibility. The giving up of who you truly are.

No wonder Deuteronomy says that the male and female prostitute is detestable. Your creator, created who you are, all of you, knows exactly who you are, and what you are called to be. and you have pissed that away to get cash. You have pissed that away to find stabililty. There goes your responsibility down the toilet. For someone who loves you fully, to see your potential flushed like excrement. That is detestable

This has recently become important to me because I see now that I have been my own type of whore. Over the course of my life I have embraced a system that has diminished my soul. I am responsible to keep my soul intact, to keep my soul preserved, to keep my soul… I am responsible! And in the exploration of my own responsibility, I have found out that I come up short. I have been relying on others to bail me out. Family and friends are one thing, and emergencies are another. But what I have noticed is that I have established a pattern over the years that doesn’t take responsibility FOR ME. I want a sugar daddy. Not the brown sticky mass that loves my back left molar. But someone who will pay for a lifestyle that I can’t afford. I want God to give me my dreams on a platter, and don’t want to take responsibility to get there. There’s entitlement in the sound of my voice. I scream at the heavens. If you have made me this way why aren’t I this way?

It took me some digging to see it. And it is embarrasing to admit. Who wants to say that they’ve done a little whoring? Not many. I wish I could say to you this WAS a struggle of mine. But the sad reality is I am in midst of it. I’m in midst of taking responsibility for not taking responsibility of my life. I’m currently needing to admit that I have ripped off God. Ripped him of the honor of being my pillar, my support, my rock. And now I am faced with two roads ahead. One that circles back after beating me up a little more. or one of baptism.

Luke 7:36-50
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to come to his home for a meal, so Jesus accepted the invitation and sat down to eat. A certain whore heard he was there and brought a beautiful jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. When the Pharisee who was the host saw what was happening and who the woman was, he said to himself, "This proves that Jesus is no prophet. If God had really sent him, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She's a sinner!" Then Jesus spoke up and answered his thoughts. "Simon," he said to the Pharisee, "I have something to say to you." "All right, Teacher," Simon replied, "go ahead." Then Jesus told him this story: "A man loaned money to two people – five hundred pieces of silver to one and fifty pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?" Simon answered, "I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt." "That's right," Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn't offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn't give me a kiss of greeting, but she has kissed my feet again and again from the time I first came in. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. I tell you, her sins – and they are many – have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." Then Jesus said to the woman, "Your sins are forgiven."

What I am saying today is take responsibility for your life. Take responsibility for the dreams that God has placed within you. And don’t let those sour in your mind because of you haven’t reached them yet, or you are waiting for some sugar daddy to accomplish them. Today, YOU are at a crossroads. One road blames, diverts, wollows, and circles back around, the other other is far more difficult. The other takes the water of baptism, and makes you take responsibility for your life. For your actions, for your past. Sure there were situations that were thrust upon us. But we always have the choice of response. This road of baptism calls you to repent, to feel remorse, and to change from what you know to what you could be. No lottery, no sugardaddy needed. Just the working out of your soul in fear and trembling. By prayerfully looking deep within ourselves, we might be able to see the cage that we’re in. To feel that debt that we’re in, that payment that we owe.

All of us have done a little whoring in our life; the image may be too graphic for something relatable. But everyone has breached who they are, for who they could be. Today…Is it time to say “Jesus this is what I owe. Jesus This is where I am. This is my life. Oh God I am responsible. Will you forgive me?”… God Loves You. And so do I.

The Little Shits

About a year ago I began preparing to go to a foreign land. A place that I spoke the language better than the natives, a place where I had more rights than they did; it was America. America! Home of the free land of the brave, but I found there was one group that was not born free, they were a group that found themselves with no rights, no voice, yet they weren’t advocating or picketing. They were simply coloring. Talking to each other about pokemon, stuffed animals and birthday parties; they didn’t care about a vote unless it involved a democratic landslide in coercing their desires for happy meals, candy and staying up late. I was preparing for the worst. I didn’t know what I really was going to do, nor did I really know why. But I knew there was a need.

You see, adult organizations reach out to other adults. But the difficulty with that is the offspring of the adults come too. If the adult organization doesn’t have a way to manage the offspring, a crisis for the adult occurs. Either they have to manage the offspring themselves, they have to consider whether the organization is worth getting a babysitter so that they can continue to go. Or they have to stop going. Since church is one such adult organization, this creates the wonder we all call “kids ministry.”

The Bridge was not too different from most adult organizations, and so in the inception it considered its “kid ministry.” Bridge initially was founded as a place for those who have slipped through the cracks of churches, society, and family. Also the main push was to the young and disenfranchised of Portland. Since the majority of people that were coming at first were 16-28 we had a staffed nursary. But no need for a full blown kids ministry. We had the highschool age youth group. And we had various other adult activities.

As more young adults had kids, we found a need to take care of them so that the adults could stay. This is very much like most churches out there. Provide free babysitting, andthey will come. However one thing that we could be sure of is once we found a children’s ministry leader and they started, six months down the road they would leave the bridge. “probably crying” Thankfully they didn’t leave the church, but I’m sure it was sometime before they volunteered for anything again. This was the bridge’s curse for many years. And it would make the ones with offspring secondguess coming here. Because the only thing we had for the kids was some tent somewhere with stuffed animals. And it was a free-for-all.

So… last year I found myself asking the question “right now, where I am, where do I sense the greatest need.” I found this question when I heard about a man who created a bank for people in his home town of india with $27. Apparently it took $27 to loan to 15 different people and get them out of their own financial business hole. They were indentured servants essentially to their own trade. They were a people that were hard workers but were in debt to the suppliers, and had no way to get out on top. This man asked lagit banks for a dollar and 2 dollar loans, but the bank said these poor people would not pay. So he risked his own money. After the people paid him back, he took these stats to the bank because there were others that needed help too. They said “the poor people will not pay back.” So he risked his money. And Again they paid it back. Finally he realized that he could start his own bank for this purpose. And Now it has grown into one of the largest microfinance organizations in india.

So I asked “right now, where I am, where do I sense the greatest need?” And I looked around, I and I said “sh!t.” Because I saw the greatest need with our children. But I didn’t know anything about kids. I didn’t even have any passion for them. I saw them as “the problem that must be solved.” Yet, I did know that if I put my efforts towards it, change would occur. I told Crystal Deborah and Angie. Come the fall I am going to take on the Kids ministry. I felt like saying it was something that was like my own sentence. Crystal said “I’m going to do it with you. I don’t want you to be alone when doing that.” I told her she didn’t need to do that, but she said she wanted to. Then came the countdown to fall. As it was getting closer and closer, I didn’t really know what I was going to do. We asked questions prepared as much as we could but nothing could really prepare me for the work.

I want to tell you about some glasses I’ve been given over the course of the last ten months. My crash course in child culture. I see things differently. And I think it is worth you trying them on for a bit. Because it was apparent from my perspective that children were seen as a nusance to my adult culture. My toes were stepped on, my conversations were filled with frustraitions, with a culture that is actually addressed in the bible… Yet we rarely preach on it.

In the bible children are seen as a blessing, possibly even a commodity. More kids you have the more blessed you are. Psalm 127: 3-5 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.In the bible children are seen as being protected by God. That God cares for even those without parents: Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.

Exodus 22:22-24 "Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless. “

There is much about kids and children in the bible. But I was most interested in little wayne.

Little wayne was trouble. He was a kid in first century biblical times, and he was 8. He got into trouble, when he sassed his mom he would receive the soap in his mouth. He would get his morning teachings with his friends and have to be seperated because he was talking during the lesson. He put a firecracker up a frogs butt and lit it on fire. Him and some friends ran for the river when they got frog turd innerds exploded on their face. Little wayne’s best friend jack was going over to greg and matts house more and more, so he had to kick their ass because Jack was his best friend. Wayne picked up some choice words from his fisherman father. He found if he used them at school the kids eyes would open and it was like a secret power. He found that if he used it at home or in front of the teacher that he would be beat. He’d want to go fish but was too much trouble. His dad’s co-workers called little wayne “little sh!t” because he would come around and bother them.

One day waynes dad was entertaining a really amazing man. He was superkind and really was super welcoming. But didn’t have that creepy come hither look that his uncle had sometimes for his sister. Wayne watched him from the doorway. Apparently they had just come from paying taxes or something. And this is what happened:

Matt 181 they came to Jesus and asked, "Which of us is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?" 2 Jesus called little wayne over to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said, "I assure you, unless you turn from your sins and become as little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 Therefore, anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven. 5 And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. 6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who trusts in me to lose faith, it would be better for that person to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around the neck.

Little Wayne left but the disciples were perplexed. Little wayne? Humble? How can he be great in the kingdom of Heaven?

I like telling this story with little wayne in it because in my past readings of it, I have envisioned the kid as some sort of alter boy. Holy with a halo and doesn’t do anything wrong, constantly singing beautiful praises about his innocence and God’s purity. But if you’ve ever been around children, you know that kids are trouble. They are a force to be reckoned with and you can’t place this kid on some sort of pure pedistal to live up to.

The disciples had it all backwards at this point, you see their question (even though its not as negitively framed as it is in mark or luke) is implying that the kingdom of heaven is based on the same structure as any other kingdom on earth.

Their question has something at the core of it that is a competitive strain that is not how the kingdom of heaven functions. The Kingdom of heaven functions almost negatively to an earthly kingdom. Here you must have pure royal blood, there you must be adopted. Here kings are the highest rank, there the King is the lowest. Here the kings are clad in the jewels and everything lavish and extraordinary; there the king is clad with the woulds of suffering and sacrifice for others.

So when the disciples are asking who is the greatest, Jesus is showing them how much they don’t get it. Their very question shows their ignorance of the kingdom.

Jesus brings in little wayne, a boy, he wasn’t a pristine little fauntlaroy rather he was a little stinker. He was a little sh!t. A whiner, the disciples knew that he was a problem to deal with, one of those kids you want to shove by the face. He had that dennis the menace smile that makes you want to punch them. He was a problem, a dickweed, a little f*cker, and here he was in front of Jesus. And JC was saying, you need to repent and become like this little sh!t. Jesus knew what he was doing. He was flipping the question on its back and showing its foolishness. Desiring an earthly rank in the kingdom of heaven is like having a kid desire brussel sprouts.

In looking deeper, though he was a little sh!t, little wayne was a part of a class that jesus was specifically interested in. Though he blew up frogs by their anus, he was not filled with malice of adulthood. Though he was interested in keeping the rank of best friend, he was not interested in ranks. Though he sassed his mom, he also was teachable enough to know that soap didn’t taste good. And though he was somewhat independent in hanging out with his friends, he was still dependant on his dad for a place to stay that night. His dad loved him and he knew that he was safe. He was a boy.

Essentially children are amazing reflectors of our own mature responses. They point out our agendas far too well. To control and minimize the damage of a child being in the room. “We don’t pick up the glass bowl, that’s a no touch” To attempt to pursuade them to get out of your face so they will watch 3 hours of TV and let you alone. “Hey I have an idea, lets have you quarentine yourself for the next 18 years until I can put you into counseling, to deal with the neglect.” To preserve the status quo of your adult culture rather than engage at a child’s level. The fact is children are challenging as a culture. And if we are not careful, we wont pick up on the fact that this culture has never experienced our world before. We look at this culture like they are a problem to be solved rather than a culture to be educated.

They are brand new to this country, don’t speak the language, they are developmentally disabled, and have no rights. They need an ambassador. Someone that is their advocate, someone that will help educate them, someone that explains the actions of the adult culture. To clarify when a breach in boundaries has occurred, not to explode or punish for no reason. They have no rights. They stand in our mercy, just like we stand only because of God’s mercy. How would God treat you?

We are part of an adult culture that see’s children as a “problem to be solved” We need to rethink our policy as a culture and begin to see something different. We need the Love of kids to be our policy. We need the desire for children to grow in their spirituality to be our policy. We need to beef up our quest for learning and educating a peoplegroup with no rights, that are at our mercy. We need to strengthen our families so that our children can be whole.

Jesus points this culture right at us to see ourselves as his followers:Children do not desire authority. Children do not regard outward distinctions, Children are free from adult malice, Children are teachable, and Children are willingly dependent upon their parents. They have to be… they have nothing else.

unless you learn to entertain a humble, and modest opinion of yourselves, are not envious at one another, and drop all contentions about primacy and pre-eminence, and all your ambitious views of one being greater than another, you will not find the kingdom of heaven.

When you look through Gods eyes at kids you don’t see the problems of management. You don’t see the frustraition of cleaning up frog intenstines. You see what God sees. You actually see what maybe the disciples have lost… maybe what we have lost.
They were headed in the wrong direction with their selfish ambition. Jesus’ tone is very severe, as much as when He denounces the Pharisees. The strong double negative means that they will otherwise not get into the kingdom of heaven at all, let alone have big places in it.

As you see children today, I would love for you to reflect on your own life. Where you have let you ambition and rank take hold, Or if you are overcome with malice, Or maybe you have become independent from God. Thinking that you can make it on your own.

Have you lost the ability to call God your creator? Have you lost the ability to gather warmth from Jesus in order to heal from your pain?

Unless you can say I love you God and mean it, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. Unless you can say I trust you God, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. You must get back that dependant love of God. You must escape the trap of God as a concept. You must rework your idea of God as your peer or an authority figure, and see him as someone you can actually rely on. Someone that longs to scoop you up as you pretend to sleep in the car, someone that may know, but smiles as they carry you up the stairs and puts you safely in bed. The word Abba that is used before God is strong. It implies a tenderness, comfort and safety. It is a term expressing warm affection and confidence that a child has in a parent that they trust. It has no perfect equivalent in our language. But when we see those eyes of children sparkle towards adults that are respecting them, we can get a glipse of what maybe our response to God can be.

So many of us have been forced to grow up. Forced to live. Forced to leave the innocense of our childhood behind. Forced the cut off our bad relationship with our parents. Twisted by darkness we have left the brightness of our youth behind because that was where we were vulnerable. That was where we were small and overcome by those large towering people. We were at their mercy.

Jesus is here saying to all of us … let the little ones come to me. Let those who need me come. Let those who have been stripped of their ability to say that God will protect me, that God will be my ambassador, that God will be my guide in this cruel adult cuture, Let them begin to call out Jesus. To mean it! To have their heart reach out to be comforted, to be protected, to be finally loved.

I hope you can take these glasses that I have put on today. These glasses that can give you a look into what some think is a stress, and what God sees as a reminder and an entrance into a kingdom. I hope you can take these glasses and honor our children, and those who work with them today.

Freedom '08

In the 90’s George Michael sang about freedom from an image he wanted to break out of. He felt his inner world wasn’t matching his outer world. And the outer world was winning, making him out to be a lier. His great voice, solo carreer and his shaking ass, made him a heart throb, and he and the investors associated with George were doing the Jitterbug all the way to the bank from his stonewashed jeans, tunes, AND from his public persona. Dana Carvey had a great bit on Saturday Night Live doing a caracature of Michael and his ass. “Look at my butt Dennis, LOOK AT IT! It’s perfectly round…It’s a perfect circle. Scientist at NASA use it to calibrate their instruments… you can’t take your eyes off of it. LOOK AT IT DENNIS!” Apparently Dennis Miller and the women of the world looking at George constricted his ass too much.

He wrote a song called freedom ’90 coming out of the closet, addressing his own sexuality and how he didn’t care what it did to his career; the fact was he wasn’t going to live a lie any more. The women of the world need to know that he can’t be a hetero-sex symbol. No! He was now breaking free from the clothes of his image that he had agreed to in the inception of his career because “Sometimes the clothes do not make the man”.

This probably had a huge public impact on him as an artist… Record Sales… And girls may have been a little red in the face as they took down their Vintage Wham Poster. But George was free. Liberated from people’s misconceptions and his conscience was lighter because of it. From a purely financial outlook it might have been a dumb move. From a career standpoint, it might have been shooting yourself in the foot. Apparently George’s executives told him just that and he addressed it in the song “Ill hold on to my freedom. May not be what you want from me. Just the way it’s got to be”

15 years later Dave Chappelle, a comic known for his hugely successful show on comedy central “the Chappelle Show” found his freedom from the limelight by simply going away. After the first season a major success, Dave found himself signing a second and third season for $50 million. Dave's trademark humor—outrageous, politically incorrect explorations of popular culture, race, sex, drugs and fame—infused every skit. His fans loved quoting his lines, especially his impersonation of funk music impresario Rick James. “I’m Rick James Bitch.” Then, in April 2005, a year after signing his two-year contract to continue the show, Dave abruptly walked off the set and…disappeared. Almost no one, including his wife and kids, knew where he went.
Some people thought he went nuts, others thought he was doing drugs. It was leaked to the press he had pnumonia. In reality he went to South Africa to reflect. He ended up seeing that though his sketches sparked controversy, some of his sketches started to make him feel "socially irresponsible.”

One particular sketch Dave wasn’t particularly proud of was about a pixie (played by Dave) who appeared in black face, which Dave described as the "visual personification of the "N" word."
"There was a good-spirited intention behind it," Dave says. "So then when I'm on the set, and we're finally taping the sketch, somebody on the set [who] was white laughed in such a way—I know the difference of people laughing with me and people laughing at me—and it was the first time I had ever gotten a laugh that I was uncomfortable with. Not just uncomfortable, but like, should I fire this person?"

After this incident, Dave began thinking about the message he was sending to millions of viewers. Dave says some people understood exactly what he was trying to say with his racially charged comedy…while others got the wrong idea. He began to see that his show was changing culture, and to see white suburbia quote his lines, and not really GET IT, began to be desturbing.

So Dave shut it down. He needed to be freed from his own machine; escape his own creation so he fled the scene. "I felt really guilty about being asleep at the wheel," He remembers. "I felt guilty about it because I forgot the hostility of the environment of show business. … There's some quote that someone told me that says, 'Success takes you where character cannot sustain you.'" These two men found that they needed to be freed from their own momentum. The decisions that got them to their place of fame, didn’t match who they were. They eventually they had to address it.

This isn’t a new theme, Shakespeare’s tragic character Polonius who prats around the play Hamlet rambles his wisdom to his son Laertes: “Above all, to thine own self be true.” Ironically Polonius finds his “being true to himself” also causing his death. His desire for social advancement, his fear of losing his position in the kingdom and his need for popularity make him spy on Hamlet, and eventually skewered behind a tapestry.

Most of us will never have to deal with the huge financial crunch of having a multimillion dollar carreer, compromise “who you are.” We don’t have the luxury or delemma of Shutting Down a show that pays 50 million. But most of us CAN imagine getting skewered in the end of what we “thought” was a good idea. We can imagine that, because we’ve experienced that. We go down roads that make us say… Hey this isn’t me. Or maybe that’s what we would say if we were paying attention. When OUR outside world begins to not match our inside world, it begins a huge conflict within us and we have two choices: To Listen or To Not Listen.

To not listen just prolongs the inevitable. It lets it grow, until it’s a magnificent skyscraper that makes a glorious crash. To not listen makes our inner world louder, so that we need to cover it up with our own yelling, it makes our actions stupid and careless, and allows our fears to take the reigns. Also to not listen is being a coward.

So it seems like there IS only one choice. However, if you are anything like me, to not listen is your normal route. For me… I think it’s because I’m dense or not aware. But there are items in my life that I fear, and I plug my ears because I’m too scared to address it.

If you aren’t someone with faith, I’d pay attention to this inner voice. It might be telling you something that you need to hear.

There was a man without faith that the bible spends several chapters on. Who knows if he ever had an inner voice. Growing up being a sovriegn or a god to Egypt has got to mess you up a little bit. But when Pharoh met with a representative of the Slaves , an inner voice might have come in handy. When Moses and his brother came over and said hey let the slaves go. I’m not sure if Moses understood the economic ramifications of what he was asking. The Hebrew people were an intigral part of Egypt’s economy, and I’m sure Pharoh thought Moses’ request was a joke. How can he just let money like that go walking out the door? As a nation’s leader it wasn’t the soundest of economic decisions; so it makes sense that he would say no. But as each plague riqued havok on his country, it was apparent that the outer world was not matching his inner world. In this case it seemed as though he was taking Polonius’ advice. “Stick to you’re guns pharoh. Show em who’s boss. To Thine own self be true.” Or in egyptian:

It’s interesting that the plagues one by one took out the specific gods of egypt. The nile god, the frogs, flies. It seems as though the Hebrew Slave God was at war with the Egyptian gods. Showing battle by battle who was boss. You would think that once the livestock all died, that pharoh may have moved on from his economic reasoning to letting the slaves go as a write off for a really bad year. Regardless, creative tax solutions were not a voice he was listening to. And as a result Pharoh found himself in a watery grave to have his character attacked for thousands of years. Is there a lesson here? I think there is… DON’T MESS WITH THE LORD… even if you’re being true to yourself.

For those of us with faith I think there is something more that we can see here. Like everyone, we can be inspired by those who listen to their inner voice, we can even learn our lessons from those who don’t. But those of us with faith in Jesus have a job that’s not very easy, and isn’t very natural. We are asked to scrutinize both the outer world, and our inner world, against our relationship with God.

If you know Jesus, you know what he’s done for you, you know what has happened to you to let you meet him, and you know that you will do anything for him. Why? Because you know what love is. We sometimes forget, but are easily reminded. The Holy Spirit in your life is is someone that long you for to comfort you, to allow insight to come to you and to give you that extra super YOU when you need it. If you know Jesus you know why grace is important to you and you are authentic in your expression of love. You try your hardest to be who God wants you to be. You make yourself available to love others, and you long for the day that you will see clearly.

I say that to say this. Our Outer world is always pushing us wherever it wants us to go. Whether it is using us as an economic ladder, challenging us not rock the boat, or some other great corporate need. Our inner world longs to have itself match with the outerworld, but when the Outer world is in conflict, our innervoice begins to scream in guilt, fury, anger, injustice. And it is then that our inner world declares its independence. We declare our freedom from the outer world, and we challege it to revolution! IT MUST change its ways OR ELSE! When that Liberty is spoken in this way, worlds are changed. In the case of George Michael, he says Freedom in the 90’s. In the case of Chappelle, he says “SHUT IT DOWN!!!” With Pharoh, he says “I will NOT let your people go!”

Regardless of what our inner voice is screaming against our outer world, those of us with faith have to consider something more. Our world may be selling us as a slave. Our world may be forcing us to begin waving our flags and singing Le Misarables. “do You hear the people sing singing the song of angry men it is a music of a people who will not be slaves again…“ Our outer world may be FORCING us to declare our independence from it. But if you want to know what true freedom is, you must look to your faith. Because your faith assesses your outerworld and your faith scrutenizes your inner world with one question. That question is detestable to our inner voice. Because it doesn’t seem like freedom at all, yet it is the definition of Christian Liberty. What is that one question? “How can I please him?”

Your faith’s Freedom is living a step above the world and a step above your anger of it. Freedom in Christ is not following the Ten Commandments. That is staying out of jail… (Which is probably another kind of freedom.) But Freedom in Christ is something that is above it all. Liberty in Jesus is not a rule to live by, but a principle that is fueled by your love of what He’s done for you. The principle is to please Him. My conduct as a lover, believer, and follower of Jesus Christ is to please him. Not to please you, me or any organization, but only to please Him. That is the liberty we have in our Lord. And it is what Paul means when he says ‘Stand fast in the liberty where Christ has made us free, and don’t be entangled again with bondage.’

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone or anything put a harness of slavery on you; whether that is someone else, your job, yourself, or circomstance. As a lover of Christ your freedom lies within an active pursuit of the question “How can I please you?” That puts to death your fear of anything but God.

We may say we want freedom. We may say we even have it. Someone may say that ‘I have the freedom to do whatever I want.’ I think the problem there, is the reason why we end up needing Jesus so badly-- we are so consumed by our inner voice that we act in counter-dependance to it – whatever the outerworld is doing we NEED to do the opposite. Which means the outer world is still is directing us and we have silenced the true liberty and option of pleasing God. If you call yourself a Christian, YOU are free from YOU. You have forfeited your life for His life. I can say His life is what it’s about. His life is worth persuing; His life allows you to truly live. It is only through love that you can ask “how can I please you Lord?” and it is only by actively persuing the answer that we will truly gain our freedom in ‘08.

Why...

I watched a movie last night called rendition about a man who was detained and tortured to get information out of him. There was a point when he confessed to everything. He had names, dates, numbers. And for a moment it freaked me out, because what was awful and wrong, all of the sudden was going to save lives. Bombs were going to be diffused; the badguys were going to be stopped. And because of the neglect of one person’s life, other lives are saved.
The fact was the guy was innocent. He didn’t have real names, or dates or numbers. He made them up to stop the torture. He made them up to try to save his life. He confessed he did something to make them stop. When our rights to life get taken away from us, there is something at the core of us that battles to get it back. It’s at the core of revolution. It’s in our DNA. When we are denied the right to live we scramble to survive. Our eyes get big, we swim harder, we search for food with vigor, because there’s something to live for. Life is worth living… there is something inside us at the core that says that. That we will clammor, lie, defend, revolt to just live.
But then we live our life. We get our safety. We get our rights. And life doesn’t have that spark of urgency that it once had. The pain, that strives us to battle politic, the struggle for survival that hoses down the fires of death. When safety arrives it seems to only arrive for us to catch our breath. Or to get a few breaths in. These breaths are those breaths of God that scripture probably talks about. The breath of life that was given to us and the animals as a gift. The psalmist writes “when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust.” And it’s when we’re safe… or safe enough that those concepts start creeping in. I am but dust without the breath of life. I am but dust without God’s breath of life. It’s a cool concept, it’s a humbling concept. That we are alive because of that gift of breath. That we are alive, that we live. And for us that can hold onto that concept, we can be embraced in wonder. In the Awe of nature. In the beauty of getting up every morning. The freshness of each breath. The vibrancy of our health. Because if we didn’t have that we would be topsoil.
Some of us can’t stay there however. Somehow the wonder of being alive, the day to day living begins to corrode the awe. Plus the concept of being created from our organic surroundings and given the responsibility of breath tends to lend itself to a question… Why? Some of us step past the peace of a simple breath to ask the question Why? Why am I here? Why is the breath of life within me? What am I here for?
It’s a question that is immediately answered with unpretty concepts. Concepts like that of Rendition where lives are saved if others are tortured. Or less obscure concepts that even bubble up in scripture. “Cursed is the ground because of you Adam; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.” Why am I here? To toil? It seems like it sometimes. My dad told me life is hard. And it is. And that’s depressing. That’s not why I come to church.
Though there are glimmers of non-toil. When I get a raise. When Friendships and relationships are going well. There seems to be these moments in life where the initial toil has payoff. I bought a house. And to get approved for a loan there was major toil. But we Got it! And wow… we breathed like we just escaped death. Because the deal almost died…a lot. But now monthly payments… Toil. Good Toil. Managable toil. But Toil.
So many of us may not get so depressed at the speculation of toil, because we see our goals being achieved. And so the meaning to our Why of life is Job related, Dream Related, Money related, Relationship related. And we hold onto those goals. And Hopefullly we achieve them. And when we do we breathe that successful gift of breath for the moment right before we make a new goal… So that we can have another successful breath.
And some of us can stay here. Because our why is never satisfied, is always changing is always getting reevaluated. If we lower our standards enough we’ll always get that breath of success. But some in the safety of their analysis begin singing the song of Ecclesiastes. Meaningless Meaningless The why of my life is Meaningless.
1 I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. 2 "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" 3 I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly--my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives. 4 I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem as well--the delights of the heart of man. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. 10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. 11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
Here we have been given this gift of breath, and that’s all that it seems to be… wind. Meaningless… and sad. Not something to clammor for, to fight for. So those of us who are lucky enough or depressed enough to be at these crossroads still are asking the question why? Why do I live? And there are so many answers that are out there. Confidence, Counseling, Love. And in a way that is what my life has tried to grappel itself to. Maybe its this that will let me stay happy in my life… or maybe its this.
But the reality is we are built for something more. Which is why we aren’t happy. There is a reason why we fight to stay alive, and there is a reason why we ask WHY? There is life. The animation of life. Thebeautiful animal within us that roams the earth, that toils ,that searches out Goals and ultimately is dissatisfied with the melodrama around us. And there is something more. There is life. The animation of our soul. The something that we long for that is far deeper then our Why. It is the answer to our why. It is the inexplicable wind that makes us truly alive. It is what Jesus was answering when he said “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
To Nicodemous In reply Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” “How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!" Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again.' The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit." "How can this be?" Nicodemus asked. "You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things? I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven--the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Nick diligently studied the Scriptures because he thought that by them he could possess life. But he missed the fact that these are the Scriptures that testified about Jesus… Who God is… what he would do… and how it is by understanding the work of Jesus that you can have eternal life.
Why do we ask WHY? It is to come to the painful realization that we have been given breath but we want so much more. We want LIFE. We want life abundant. We need God’s Spirit to give us eternal life. And only way to have that is to lay down your animal existance, your goals, your breath, and allow the fogiveness of your sins. And let Jesus Save your soul.
Its odd that we would clammor, revolt and battle for a life that ultimately we would lay down. But for those of us that are ready for meaning in our life, it is the brilliant answer.

Crazy Days

Last couple weeks have been hard on me. In retrospect I can say I should have expected it. All the signs were there. And naturally I was doing the things that I needed to do to prepare myself. But when it’s there in your face, in its stark naked reality, you just feel surprised, you feel alarmed, and confused. You see this week… I lost a brother.

I’m a nice guy, a fun guy, I consider myself likable. But true friends are somehow difficult for me to find. There have been years in my life where I have been surrounded by acquaintances. Maybe I don’t trust fully, maybe I run in the wrong circles, maybe I have a standard for a true friend that is untouchable. I’ve found it’s hard to find good friends, especially because you always know what’s wrong with them. And you’re right. As a result to find a friend, to me is something that very valuable. And in the past I’ve gotten a handful of pitches.

It’s not like I don’t value relationship or act like a hermit. I think within the last year I can say by going to men’s group I have significantly increased my friend pool. Men that I feel are good men, who can speak into my life; who I care for; and who I can say I love, without feeling phony or awkward. Still… when someone falls out of those ranks, I can say from experience, that no matter how full your life is, a piece of you dies with that person .

But this brother didn’t die… I didn’t get the luxury of a funeral service; a speedy closure. Over the course of years, I got to witness a close friend become an alcoholic, and have that disease slowly drive him insane. It just so happens that within this last week, I realized my friend wasn’t my friend anymore. I lost him.

I’m devastated at this realization. This man who I spent time with, quality, good talks; is now gone. I think there are a couple things that twist it in my stomach. That causes this loss to not be a clean break. The fact that I may have been the one to make it OK for him to start drinking. The fact that I didn’t have the wherewithal to tell him that his behavior was sketchy and possibly needing a check. And the fact that I slowly slipped out of his life when his life and my life weren’t really going the same direction. I let my friend go… and I don’t think I meant to… But I did. I need to take responsibility for those items.

This guy now IS insane. I can say I’ve never really known what it means to say someone is insane. I always thought that insanity was someone who was misguided, misrepresented. But when you see actual insanity, and have the capacity to grasp it, it’s really not a pretty picture. Whenever someone crosses the line, or throws you for a loop you can throw out there “Oh Ju Crazy!” But “Ju Crazy” and real crazy are two very different things. Ju Crazy says I want to bungee jump, Real crazy says I want to bungee jump but I lost my job two weeks ago and I’ve ruined all my relationships but can I have $300 anyway? Ju Crazy says something clever on the phone to ‘get ya.’ Real crazy GETS you on the phone about 10 times a day. Ju crazy says something about Jesus Christ to liven up the conversation. Real crazy says that they’re Jesus Christ.

I bring this personal bit up because I want try to communicate to you what it means to lose a friend to something very evil and very wrong. For me, this time, it is addiction and mental illness. Another time I lost someone through accidental death; something much more quick and final. In both cases we had a fair amount of distance between us emotionally so I really wasn’t impacted by the loss of a BEST friend. I can’t imagine what I would do? That would be the worst. Someone that you currently depend on, engage with, someone that changes your life daily. Gone. I don’t know what I’d do.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever lost a friend, if not a Best friend. But when it happens there is a fair amount of blame and finger pointing that goes on. You blame yourself… “What could I have done differently?” You point your finger at others “They should have been more careful, They should have printed up warning signs.” You point at the person that’s gone. “He should have read the warning signs, He should have been more careful.” Or Even God. “How can God allow something as awful as this to happen?”

Confusion, finger pointing, sadness. This was what was going on during the Easter weekend of Jesus’ Death. They had been together with their best friend, their teacher, their master. Drinking wine, riding donkeys. Only to so quickly get him snatched up and tried before Pilot for being who he was. Then to witness someone who may have caused a few problems, but did so much more good: made us think differently, healed so many. Up there being crucified. What? Why? Disciples were asking what could I have done differently? How did that happen? For someone who seemed like God was with him, I followed him for 3 years, it sure looked like God wasn’t with him on the cross. I thought he was my messiah? I thought he was going to free Israel. He said he was the way the truth and the life. And now he’s dead. He probably shouldn’t have said that thing about the temple. He was probably wrong in calling those teachers names. He definitely shouldn’t have whipped the money changers out of the temple. Then I would still have my friend. Fuckin’ Judus. My friend is dead. Joseph of arimethia was kind enough to let Jesus be in his tomb… But my friend. The man who has changed my life, The man who taught me that I can pray to My Father in Heaven rather than LORD. The man with the most clever whit and kindest eyes. The Man with the funniest jokes. My friend is gone.

What a week. Triumphal entry. Great Passover party. All night praying. The cross. And now Easter morning. It’s not like living with Jesus was not an emotional roller coaster. Why would his death be any different? To be nearly capsized in one moment, and in next be on a sea as smooth as glass. To be at a party with Jesus where the bartender says “last call” because he’s out of wine, and then there miraculously is more. To be starving with 5,000 others and then to have your part of a child’s lunch extend until everyone was full. To follow Jesus meant that your entire world was placed in tension, only to be rescued by very God himself.

That was why Easter morning was so confusing. Because Jesus’ death seemed so sudden. So odd. So Ungodly. We only had a day or two to let it sink in that our friend was executed. So no one expected him to be raised from the dead. There was a rumor or two, which the teachers made sure that all security was in place, but who can expect something like that to actually occur. That’s weird. Still they saw it with Lazarus, and apparently someone said something about someone who was back from the dead after Jesus died. But resurrection is not the norm. That’s Real Crazy Talk… not Ju Crazy.

Which I guess they should have put 2 and 2 together. Because life with Jesus was teetering on the Real Crazy; but for some reason there was foundation underneath it. What do you expect, I guess, from someone who calls themself Jesus Christ? Jesus, you’re walking on the water… Oh you want me to come… Ju crazy. Whoa I’m walking on the water…. I’m Real Crazy. Oh Jesus I don’t have any money. Oh I’m supposed to catch a fish and look in its mouth… Ju Crazy… Oh here it is, OK I’ll now pay my taxes now. Oh Jesus Who do I say you are? Well… I might be crazy… but I think you’re the messiah. What…? You’ll die, and 3 days later come back to life. Ju crazy!!!! That’s not what a messiah does… But as peter watches his friend give up and go with the authorities, he asks “maybe he is real crazy?”

Peter says: “In retrospect I can say I should have expected it. All the signs were there. And naturally I was doing the things that I needed to do to prepare myself. But when it’s there in your face, in its stark naked reality, you just feel surprised, you feel alarmed, and confused. Its Holy Week, and Peter has just lost a friend.

It was the last straw. After a terrible weekend. Mary woke up this morning to care for her master’s body. She had the herbs that were needed to embalm. And the death was far too fresh to have any other thoughts then love and sadness. The teachers had the audacity to guard the tomb, thinking that the disciples, who were all devastated, had the wherewithal to fake a resurrection. It was bad enough that they were guarding it yesterday, but now as she entered the tomb, she didn’t know where Jesus’ body was. Did the authorities take him? Where did they take him? Her Friend, Her Master. The man who gave her a second chance, and told her about a God who does the same. Where is he? Not only is her friend dead, but Now … he’s gone. After telling the others, the only thing she could do was sit by the stone and weep. A gardener came up next to her and said “why are you crying?” “Who are you looking for?” Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.” Then she heard a voice or a tone or something that was familiar say her name. “Mary” And it was Jesus. He was alive. He was Alive. Her friend somehow did it. Her friend died… For her. But now is alive.

At the table after he washed everyone’s feet Jesus said “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends.” Jesus Did It! Jesus Did It! The Son of God is alive today! It was written long ago that the Messiah would suffer and die and rise from the dead on the third day. It was also written that this message should be, and must be proclaimed in the authority of his name to everyone, ‘That there is forgiveness for all your poor choices for all who truly want to change.’ You can have a total life-change through God’s forgiveness.

It is Easter Morning, a friend of mine told me about his alcoholic dad who said “St. Patrick’s Day is for Amateurs.” He then told me that he felt Easter is for amateurs, meaning that anybody can come to church on Easter and be blessed and filled. But few actually spend the time during their week, and during their year to practice the art of following Jesus. My friend makes a good point.

However… It is Easter. And whether it is for amateurs or whether we need to celebrate the shit out of it, it is my intension that the Holy Spirit gives you what you need today. Whether that is to know that you are loved so much that God sent his only Son that whoever believes in this Jesus will have everlasting life then so be it. If that is to know that Jesus considers you a friend, and died for you on the cross at Calvary than so be it. If that means that your life needs to change, and you need forgiveness for your poor choices then so be it. The fact is our friend is not gone today, but is risen. And has risen indeed, So today celebrate this crazy reality of God’s Love with your friends! Happy Easter!


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The Death of Tony

I don’t have HBO. But about 7 years ago I got hooked on a show that was unique. The show started out with a balding man in a counselor’s office. The counselor was asking the normal first time counselor questions. You could tell the man’s reluctance at answering the questions. With a heavy New Jersey accent you heard him embarrassingly confess that he passed out. The counselor used the phrase “panic attack” which sets the man off saying “this can’t work.” The Doctor sees where the reluctance is coming from, and asks him why. He shares that he is in the “waste management” business, and that he could be seriously in danger if anyone found out that he was there. Tony is a Mob Boss.
Dr. Malfey assures Tony that as long as he doesn’t talk about any specifics to his job that point to crimes past or present, his occupation should not have any conflict with his therapy. Opening up, tony begins talking about the events that led up to his panic attack. Starting with a stressful conflict he had in the morning over a disputed debt collection. As Malfey reminds him to make sure to leave out any details that would infer crime, Tony looks up with a grin and very charmingly says “we had coffee.”
It was this charming grin, this very round character, Tony Soprano. Who was a Mob Boss but also a Father, a Husband, a Basket Case, a Problem solver, a Cheater, a Lover, and a man; He hooked me in. His efforts at caring for a caustic mother, his balance and failures in family life, and his success in keeping together an organization that corruption was the core; all of this made for a great use of an hour of my time.
I’d wait for the dvd’s to come out and when they did, my week was shot. Sometimes I’d catch a rogue “contemporary” viewing when I found someone with HBO, but usually it was all in one chunk. The initial writing of the first two seasons allowed me to have grace for some of the weaker characters and story lines that would follow. Still, it was a pleasure that I looked forward to.
Six or seven years later someone knew it was time. They needed to close out the show. This made me excited. How do you end such a complex show? Do you kill off the main character? Do you have him go into witness protection? I was there with the speculators letting my mind run with anticipation. As the episodes got closer and closer to the finale, you saw a deliberate movement of other bosses in Tony’s territory, you saw complex family issue creating new “Business issues”, and you also saw Tony becoming nicer and nicer. Could it be that the feds have what they need to jail tony for life? Could it be that Johnny Sac from new York offs Tony once and for all. Will Tony’s son be like his father? All of these would be answered at the season finale.
I scored a viewing at my parents’ house. They have HBO. The day arrives and as I’m watching the episode I’m noticing that it is going pretty slow. I say to myself. “um pick it up people you have a lot to accomplish in one episode.” Yet still snail’s pace. 20 minutes to the end I have yet to see any sort of loose end tied up so I think to myself “oh the last 10 minutes are going to be awesome. Finally about two minutes to the end you start to see something start to move in. Are they feds? Are they someone going to kill the whole family? There is a space of time where it will all be completed. We were all on the edge of our seat. And then nothing.
I mean nothing. The screen goes blank. All of us at once go “what?” and instinctively reach for the remote. Something happened! We’re missing the final information that will make this whole show worthwhile. Give us closure, give us carnage, give us an ending. Is the TV broken? Soon the credits start rolling up and I realize that THAT! Was the ending. NOTHING WAS THE ENDING! That was their choice. Not impressed.
For the next couple weeks I was reeling from the loss, pissed that I had spent all that time investing in the characters that these writers had spent so much time on. Only to have the writers just cop out and say “you make the call.” I was watching the show because I don’t have that kind of imagination. You need to spell it out for me. After a while I figured it was just a poor decision that got carried out, and I was over it. I had all the seasons on my shelf but the final one.
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I thought I was over it until Friday night.
First of all I never remember my dreams unless I wake up during them. Secondly the only time I wake up is during huge emotion. Fear from a scary dream, Tears from a sad dream, waking up laughing from a funny dream. Saturday morning I remembered my dream. And I did because I had a super intense emotion. You see… because I killed Tony Soprano.
Dreams are weird, and when you tell them to your friends you always feel more stupid after you’ve told it. “So we were in my house but it looked entirely different, and My best friend Jack Rusina from grade school was there, but he had half of Christy Brinkley’s face. Anyway…”
So in my dream I was posing as a waiter at this Italian restaurant. And I had a gun, but it wasn’t a real gun because I couldn’t use a real gun for whatever reason. So instead I had a handmade gun… like what John Malcovich used in that one movie that he was going to kill the president… I think Kevin Costner was in it. Anyway… There he was, Tony Soprano. Obviously still alive and kicking. Not in witness protection, still doing the same old thing. I did my job as waiter, filled up his water, took his order, waiting for the opportunity. Tony was alone, the restaurant was full but his table was for one. Between the bread and the main dish I knew it was time. Not a lot of fear, just duty bound.
I held out my oddly crafted pipe gun that was made out of wood putty. I aimed. This was important as it seemed to function like a video game sniper. I realized that if I was hasty, and just wanting the job over with I would have shot off Mr. Soprano’s Nose. I re-aimed for the middle of his head and pulled the trigger.
At this point I woke up. This was because I had a huge emotion. It wasn’t an intense fear for my life that someone would come after me in revenge. It wasn’t remorse for killing a man. It was pure joy and satisfaction. Satisfaction at this accomplished work. It was over. As my eyes opened, and I felt the joy of knowing something very odd, something very black and white, the end of a struggle. Tony to me was a very complex man, with charm, and many endearing qualities. Those qualities made the rest of him palatable. The killing, crime boss had not escaped death again. My bullet had killed him once and for all.
It was so weird because I didn’t have the luxury of being sad for Tony the family man, I only felt joy that his reign of crime was over. His killing is now at an end. His charming smile would no longer carry me down the road of theft, drugs, cheating, or violence. Perhaps I was happiest because I finally knew the end, and maybe I killed him off because I blamed him for writers that wouldn’t commit to an end. Regardless, I was not conflicted about his death, nor am I today. TONY NEEDED TO DIE!
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Last week Todd talked on a concept that we’ve been fiddling around with called the 25%. How I understand it is it your soft underbelly where there is very light armor. It is the percentage of you that you hide from, that you want no one to know about… especially your enemies. Also, because we spend a lot of time guarding our 25%, it also acts as a significant motivator in our lives. For instance: one of the constant voices in my 25% is that I feel worthless in all that I do. You may agree, you may disagree, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. As a result, if it isn’t in check, it fuels motivations. Sometimes it has positive motivations associated with it out of reaction such as talking a sermon on Sunday… trying to do less worthless things. Other times it can have negative motivations, like if I were to not have this 25% in check my relationship with you would solely be based on whether YOU make me feel better about myself.
When we’ve talked about this, I also found that this 25% worked really well with my addictions. I found that my addictions our directly related to wanting to TURN OFF that feeling of worthlessness in my life.
What is addiction? Addiction is a compulsion to use a substance to feel good, or to avoid feeling bad. Narcotics Anonymous believes that defining addiction is part of the recovery process. They also state that your first step is to admit your powerlessness over it. That admission is the foundation upon which their recovery is built. What is that thing that you are powerless over? That thing that you need God’s grace every day in order to live without.
For me addiction is that compulsion that gets hold of your life and pulls you down to death. It’s very similar to a good family man who has a cool accent that you hear is in the mob. He starts taking you under his wing and you do some small jobs for him. You get the bug, you like the people, and you begin asking for more. Soon you start doing things that you can’t talk about. You begin reconciling how you live. And you realize that you are trapped. You can’t get out. You are either going to die, or you are going to work for Tony, and kill others.
I’m going to say something that is not normal for me at all. The things that are in your life that you have in there because your life has been difficult; those addictions that are slowly scraping away at your personality; those things that are beginning to be more YOU than you. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, manipulation, sex, whatever it is. KNOCK IT OFF.
Let me be careful when I say this. Because I don’t want you to equate addiction with evil, addiction with bad. We all have struggles that we must overcome. I also don’t want you to feel like you can’t be at church or around me if you do have those. “Knock it off” has been a mantra of spiritual organizations. “Knock it off, fly right! Be a part of the light not the dark, and if you are in the dark, than you don’t belong.” Let me encourage you. You are loved NO MATTER WHAT! God loves you because you exist. What I am saying is NOT a love contingency. I am NOT saying “I’ll love you IF.”
What I am saying is that your addiction affects those around you because it is a social disease. It affects all family members. It’s a genetic disease, so it’s affecting more than one person your family, literally. And it operates in a system. That disease affects all the other members of the system. It contains itself by using that system and we have to change the system so the disease can’t flourish any longer.
We need to change our system. No one wants a bunch of weird spiritual tattletales. No one wants to feel like they are going to be gastoppoed. But in order to have this community flourish, we cannot be a culture of enablers to our addictions. We need to work together to climb out.
Paul writes a little about this in Romans 6
5 Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. 6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. 9 We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. 10 When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.
Paul says reckon yourselves dead to sin. Reckon yourself dead to your addiction. Meaning COUNT on the fact that we are dead to sin. Count on it! If it is dead then let it be dead. Are you trying to stick around and raise it up again? Tony Soprano will no longer be alive. There might be his henchman, there might be his business; but when something is dead, COUNT on him no longer having dinner with you or putting you into his service. There is no more TONY! There is no more addiction. There is no more sin. It’s gone.
OK the next part talks about the practicalities:
12 Do not let sin control the way you live;[a] do not give in to sinful desires. 13 Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. 14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace
You shouldn’t just “know” that stuff is dead. Paul is encouraging us to do the practical living out of what we may know. He says don’t yield yourself as an instrument of your addiction. Don’t present yourself to who you were. We are powerless over our addictions. Paul is encouraging us to not present ourselves to that addiction. If you struggle with WHATEVER, don’t present yourself to whatever. Don’t follow Tony into that place just because he has a nice smile. “He’s telling the truth though, a little bit doesn’t hurt.” He’s dead. Don’t follow him there.
A little girl fell out of bed one night and began to cry. Her mom rushed into her bedroom, picked her up, put her back into bed, and asked her, “why’d you fall out?” and she said “ I think I stayed to close to the place where I got in.” And that’s the reason many of us fall back into our game. We’re in too close to where the chaos of our addiction would suck us in and make us work for that addiction. We’re entering Christianity, taking advantage of the grace, and sticking too close to the door we entered in on.
The stains might stay in the carpeting of the Italian restaurant. And we may not be able to get rid of the corpse for good. But we are told “present yourselves to God.” Yield yourself to God. Don’t let Tony have your world. Don’t let his chaos dictate who you are. Present yourself to God.
I think that is why I felt such joy in the dream, because I no longer had to compromise to a way of life that was death. I was free. And I was presenting myself to freedom.
Now, there are those that may say. “Hey… I’m going to die anyway. I might as well live it up.” But I ask, is your life a life you want to live? Or are you trapped making decisions that perpetuate a lifestyle you don’t want? “Then what can I do to counteract addiction?” Let me share an attitude that is in the bible that understands fatalistic thinking (I’m going to die) but gives an answer to life, even more, life in opposition to addiction.
Philipians2: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
Paul’s 25% is that he hates that he has murdered people that would have been his friends. He would rather stuff it into a closet somewhere than let it air out. He has positive motivators in his life compensating for his grievous bloody past; he’s out there telling people about the Jesus that changed his life. But in negative times Paul possibly slips into an addiction of self righteousness. I’m right, you’re wrong, and this cuts him off from relationship with others, and he begins working for Tony. A lonely job when you’re in jail. His addiction may say to him at night. You’re right, you don’t need anyone, and you can die now. But Paul in Philippians found the one thing that counteracts the narcissism of his addiction: Service.
It’s time to learn to be of service. This IS the opposite of addiction. It fights with everything that addiction wants. If you want to change from problem to solution, serve those you have hurt. When I see someone doing just simple acts of service, like going out and serving someone a sandwich, that’s when I know that sobriety is kicking in.
I know it is scary. I know you’ve been within his service for a long time. But today it is time to shoot your addiction…DEAD. Don’t go trying to revive it. It is dead. Learn to not get close enough to pick it up again. Stay away from its swirl. YOU ARE POWERLESS AGAINST IT. Finally, place the opposite in your life, and serve others.
I thought it would be cool to do a mind exercise to end with. Because addiction is a brain disease, I thought a brain exercise might help.
Find a quiet spot where you will be able to not be interrupted for 15 minutes. Close your eyes and envision the following:
You are at the Italian Restaurant. Smells of pasta, meat sauce, and fresh bread are in the air. Checkered tablecloths all around, perhaps a accordion music playing in the background. You are dressed as a head waiter; black comfortable clothing and your apron. Under a napkin you hold a pistol. Its weight in your hand is one of power, of danger, of reality that death is imminent.
Your addiction is at the fifth table. Take a look at it. It runs your world. Is it an old balding man that has you working and doing things you hate? Is it a beautiful woman that uses her manipulation to hold you down? What does it look like? Describe it. Who is it? How have they captured you?
It’s time. You approach in slow motion. Raise your napkined hand. Aim for the middle of the skull. And pull the trigger. The bullet is right on target. There are screams. Your addiction falls dead. Calmly, like an assassin, you leave the scene free. Free. You no longer serve it. It is dead.
Now as a final exercise. Take a look at the people that were affected by your service of that addiction. Who was hurt? What relationships were strained? Choose one of those people, and plan to serve them. What would they like? What would they appreciate? Schedule a time where you will do that one act. And know when that is accomplished, it is one more nail in the coffin of your addiction.