The Death of Tony

I don’t have HBO. But about 7 years ago I got hooked on a show that was unique. The show started out with a balding man in a counselor’s office. The counselor was asking the normal first time counselor questions. You could tell the man’s reluctance at answering the questions. With a heavy New Jersey accent you heard him embarrassingly confess that he passed out. The counselor used the phrase “panic attack” which sets the man off saying “this can’t work.” The Doctor sees where the reluctance is coming from, and asks him why. He shares that he is in the “waste management” business, and that he could be seriously in danger if anyone found out that he was there. Tony is a Mob Boss.
Dr. Malfey assures Tony that as long as he doesn’t talk about any specifics to his job that point to crimes past or present, his occupation should not have any conflict with his therapy. Opening up, tony begins talking about the events that led up to his panic attack. Starting with a stressful conflict he had in the morning over a disputed debt collection. As Malfey reminds him to make sure to leave out any details that would infer crime, Tony looks up with a grin and very charmingly says “we had coffee.”
It was this charming grin, this very round character, Tony Soprano. Who was a Mob Boss but also a Father, a Husband, a Basket Case, a Problem solver, a Cheater, a Lover, and a man; He hooked me in. His efforts at caring for a caustic mother, his balance and failures in family life, and his success in keeping together an organization that corruption was the core; all of this made for a great use of an hour of my time.
I’d wait for the dvd’s to come out and when they did, my week was shot. Sometimes I’d catch a rogue “contemporary” viewing when I found someone with HBO, but usually it was all in one chunk. The initial writing of the first two seasons allowed me to have grace for some of the weaker characters and story lines that would follow. Still, it was a pleasure that I looked forward to.
Six or seven years later someone knew it was time. They needed to close out the show. This made me excited. How do you end such a complex show? Do you kill off the main character? Do you have him go into witness protection? I was there with the speculators letting my mind run with anticipation. As the episodes got closer and closer to the finale, you saw a deliberate movement of other bosses in Tony’s territory, you saw complex family issue creating new “Business issues”, and you also saw Tony becoming nicer and nicer. Could it be that the feds have what they need to jail tony for life? Could it be that Johnny Sac from new York offs Tony once and for all. Will Tony’s son be like his father? All of these would be answered at the season finale.
I scored a viewing at my parents’ house. They have HBO. The day arrives and as I’m watching the episode I’m noticing that it is going pretty slow. I say to myself. “um pick it up people you have a lot to accomplish in one episode.” Yet still snail’s pace. 20 minutes to the end I have yet to see any sort of loose end tied up so I think to myself “oh the last 10 minutes are going to be awesome. Finally about two minutes to the end you start to see something start to move in. Are they feds? Are they someone going to kill the whole family? There is a space of time where it will all be completed. We were all on the edge of our seat. And then nothing.
I mean nothing. The screen goes blank. All of us at once go “what?” and instinctively reach for the remote. Something happened! We’re missing the final information that will make this whole show worthwhile. Give us closure, give us carnage, give us an ending. Is the TV broken? Soon the credits start rolling up and I realize that THAT! Was the ending. NOTHING WAS THE ENDING! That was their choice. Not impressed.
For the next couple weeks I was reeling from the loss, pissed that I had spent all that time investing in the characters that these writers had spent so much time on. Only to have the writers just cop out and say “you make the call.” I was watching the show because I don’t have that kind of imagination. You need to spell it out for me. After a while I figured it was just a poor decision that got carried out, and I was over it. I had all the seasons on my shelf but the final one.
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I thought I was over it until Friday night.
First of all I never remember my dreams unless I wake up during them. Secondly the only time I wake up is during huge emotion. Fear from a scary dream, Tears from a sad dream, waking up laughing from a funny dream. Saturday morning I remembered my dream. And I did because I had a super intense emotion. You see… because I killed Tony Soprano.
Dreams are weird, and when you tell them to your friends you always feel more stupid after you’ve told it. “So we were in my house but it looked entirely different, and My best friend Jack Rusina from grade school was there, but he had half of Christy Brinkley’s face. Anyway…”
So in my dream I was posing as a waiter at this Italian restaurant. And I had a gun, but it wasn’t a real gun because I couldn’t use a real gun for whatever reason. So instead I had a handmade gun… like what John Malcovich used in that one movie that he was going to kill the president… I think Kevin Costner was in it. Anyway… There he was, Tony Soprano. Obviously still alive and kicking. Not in witness protection, still doing the same old thing. I did my job as waiter, filled up his water, took his order, waiting for the opportunity. Tony was alone, the restaurant was full but his table was for one. Between the bread and the main dish I knew it was time. Not a lot of fear, just duty bound.
I held out my oddly crafted pipe gun that was made out of wood putty. I aimed. This was important as it seemed to function like a video game sniper. I realized that if I was hasty, and just wanting the job over with I would have shot off Mr. Soprano’s Nose. I re-aimed for the middle of his head and pulled the trigger.
At this point I woke up. This was because I had a huge emotion. It wasn’t an intense fear for my life that someone would come after me in revenge. It wasn’t remorse for killing a man. It was pure joy and satisfaction. Satisfaction at this accomplished work. It was over. As my eyes opened, and I felt the joy of knowing something very odd, something very black and white, the end of a struggle. Tony to me was a very complex man, with charm, and many endearing qualities. Those qualities made the rest of him palatable. The killing, crime boss had not escaped death again. My bullet had killed him once and for all.
It was so weird because I didn’t have the luxury of being sad for Tony the family man, I only felt joy that his reign of crime was over. His killing is now at an end. His charming smile would no longer carry me down the road of theft, drugs, cheating, or violence. Perhaps I was happiest because I finally knew the end, and maybe I killed him off because I blamed him for writers that wouldn’t commit to an end. Regardless, I was not conflicted about his death, nor am I today. TONY NEEDED TO DIE!
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Last week Todd talked on a concept that we’ve been fiddling around with called the 25%. How I understand it is it your soft underbelly where there is very light armor. It is the percentage of you that you hide from, that you want no one to know about… especially your enemies. Also, because we spend a lot of time guarding our 25%, it also acts as a significant motivator in our lives. For instance: one of the constant voices in my 25% is that I feel worthless in all that I do. You may agree, you may disagree, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. As a result, if it isn’t in check, it fuels motivations. Sometimes it has positive motivations associated with it out of reaction such as talking a sermon on Sunday… trying to do less worthless things. Other times it can have negative motivations, like if I were to not have this 25% in check my relationship with you would solely be based on whether YOU make me feel better about myself.
When we’ve talked about this, I also found that this 25% worked really well with my addictions. I found that my addictions our directly related to wanting to TURN OFF that feeling of worthlessness in my life.
What is addiction? Addiction is a compulsion to use a substance to feel good, or to avoid feeling bad. Narcotics Anonymous believes that defining addiction is part of the recovery process. They also state that your first step is to admit your powerlessness over it. That admission is the foundation upon which their recovery is built. What is that thing that you are powerless over? That thing that you need God’s grace every day in order to live without.
For me addiction is that compulsion that gets hold of your life and pulls you down to death. It’s very similar to a good family man who has a cool accent that you hear is in the mob. He starts taking you under his wing and you do some small jobs for him. You get the bug, you like the people, and you begin asking for more. Soon you start doing things that you can’t talk about. You begin reconciling how you live. And you realize that you are trapped. You can’t get out. You are either going to die, or you are going to work for Tony, and kill others.
I’m going to say something that is not normal for me at all. The things that are in your life that you have in there because your life has been difficult; those addictions that are slowly scraping away at your personality; those things that are beginning to be more YOU than you. Whether it is drugs, alcohol, manipulation, sex, whatever it is. KNOCK IT OFF.
Let me be careful when I say this. Because I don’t want you to equate addiction with evil, addiction with bad. We all have struggles that we must overcome. I also don’t want you to feel like you can’t be at church or around me if you do have those. “Knock it off” has been a mantra of spiritual organizations. “Knock it off, fly right! Be a part of the light not the dark, and if you are in the dark, than you don’t belong.” Let me encourage you. You are loved NO MATTER WHAT! God loves you because you exist. What I am saying is NOT a love contingency. I am NOT saying “I’ll love you IF.”
What I am saying is that your addiction affects those around you because it is a social disease. It affects all family members. It’s a genetic disease, so it’s affecting more than one person your family, literally. And it operates in a system. That disease affects all the other members of the system. It contains itself by using that system and we have to change the system so the disease can’t flourish any longer.
We need to change our system. No one wants a bunch of weird spiritual tattletales. No one wants to feel like they are going to be gastoppoed. But in order to have this community flourish, we cannot be a culture of enablers to our addictions. We need to work together to climb out.
Paul writes a little about this in Romans 6
5 Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. 6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. 7 For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. 8 And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him. 9 We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. 10 When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. 11 So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus.
Paul says reckon yourselves dead to sin. Reckon yourself dead to your addiction. Meaning COUNT on the fact that we are dead to sin. Count on it! If it is dead then let it be dead. Are you trying to stick around and raise it up again? Tony Soprano will no longer be alive. There might be his henchman, there might be his business; but when something is dead, COUNT on him no longer having dinner with you or putting you into his service. There is no more TONY! There is no more addiction. There is no more sin. It’s gone.
OK the next part talks about the practicalities:
12 Do not let sin control the way you live;[a] do not give in to sinful desires. 13 Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. 14 Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace
You shouldn’t just “know” that stuff is dead. Paul is encouraging us to do the practical living out of what we may know. He says don’t yield yourself as an instrument of your addiction. Don’t present yourself to who you were. We are powerless over our addictions. Paul is encouraging us to not present ourselves to that addiction. If you struggle with WHATEVER, don’t present yourself to whatever. Don’t follow Tony into that place just because he has a nice smile. “He’s telling the truth though, a little bit doesn’t hurt.” He’s dead. Don’t follow him there.
A little girl fell out of bed one night and began to cry. Her mom rushed into her bedroom, picked her up, put her back into bed, and asked her, “why’d you fall out?” and she said “ I think I stayed to close to the place where I got in.” And that’s the reason many of us fall back into our game. We’re in too close to where the chaos of our addiction would suck us in and make us work for that addiction. We’re entering Christianity, taking advantage of the grace, and sticking too close to the door we entered in on.
The stains might stay in the carpeting of the Italian restaurant. And we may not be able to get rid of the corpse for good. But we are told “present yourselves to God.” Yield yourself to God. Don’t let Tony have your world. Don’t let his chaos dictate who you are. Present yourself to God.
I think that is why I felt such joy in the dream, because I no longer had to compromise to a way of life that was death. I was free. And I was presenting myself to freedom.
Now, there are those that may say. “Hey… I’m going to die anyway. I might as well live it up.” But I ask, is your life a life you want to live? Or are you trapped making decisions that perpetuate a lifestyle you don’t want? “Then what can I do to counteract addiction?” Let me share an attitude that is in the bible that understands fatalistic thinking (I’m going to die) but gives an answer to life, even more, life in opposition to addiction.
Philipians2: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
Paul’s 25% is that he hates that he has murdered people that would have been his friends. He would rather stuff it into a closet somewhere than let it air out. He has positive motivators in his life compensating for his grievous bloody past; he’s out there telling people about the Jesus that changed his life. But in negative times Paul possibly slips into an addiction of self righteousness. I’m right, you’re wrong, and this cuts him off from relationship with others, and he begins working for Tony. A lonely job when you’re in jail. His addiction may say to him at night. You’re right, you don’t need anyone, and you can die now. But Paul in Philippians found the one thing that counteracts the narcissism of his addiction: Service.
It’s time to learn to be of service. This IS the opposite of addiction. It fights with everything that addiction wants. If you want to change from problem to solution, serve those you have hurt. When I see someone doing just simple acts of service, like going out and serving someone a sandwich, that’s when I know that sobriety is kicking in.
I know it is scary. I know you’ve been within his service for a long time. But today it is time to shoot your addiction…DEAD. Don’t go trying to revive it. It is dead. Learn to not get close enough to pick it up again. Stay away from its swirl. YOU ARE POWERLESS AGAINST IT. Finally, place the opposite in your life, and serve others.
I thought it would be cool to do a mind exercise to end with. Because addiction is a brain disease, I thought a brain exercise might help.
Find a quiet spot where you will be able to not be interrupted for 15 minutes. Close your eyes and envision the following:
You are at the Italian Restaurant. Smells of pasta, meat sauce, and fresh bread are in the air. Checkered tablecloths all around, perhaps a accordion music playing in the background. You are dressed as a head waiter; black comfortable clothing and your apron. Under a napkin you hold a pistol. Its weight in your hand is one of power, of danger, of reality that death is imminent.
Your addiction is at the fifth table. Take a look at it. It runs your world. Is it an old balding man that has you working and doing things you hate? Is it a beautiful woman that uses her manipulation to hold you down? What does it look like? Describe it. Who is it? How have they captured you?
It’s time. You approach in slow motion. Raise your napkined hand. Aim for the middle of the skull. And pull the trigger. The bullet is right on target. There are screams. Your addiction falls dead. Calmly, like an assassin, you leave the scene free. Free. You no longer serve it. It is dead.
Now as a final exercise. Take a look at the people that were affected by your service of that addiction. Who was hurt? What relationships were strained? Choose one of those people, and plan to serve them. What would they like? What would they appreciate? Schedule a time where you will do that one act. And know when that is accomplished, it is one more nail in the coffin of your addiction.

The Bitter Pill

Listen to it

Today I have some readings for you. Two approaches to the difficulties of life. I thought I'd start with blood and carnage:

The day after Thanksgiving, November 24, 1972, was just another day on our 300-acre dairy farm, and I proceeded to work it out as usual with long hours and devoted energy. I managed to leave the fields of golden grain the previous day for about three hours to enjoy a feast with my family, little knowing what lay ahead of me the following day.

While operating the corn picker this Friday afternoon I noticed that one corn-gathering chain was not moving. Disengaging the power-take-off, I observed that the chains were loose and proceeded to adjust the tension. I then engaged the power-take-off from a standing position on the ground, and still one gathering chain did not move. With the corn picker dividing points in a raised position and the machine in operation at about 100 revolutions per minute, I looked into the center corn-divider-access hole to determine why the left gathering chain did not turn. In so doing, I unconsciously bent my right knee in a forward position and into the right gathering chain which was in operation. The gathering chain pulled my leg in a wedged-tight position with knee forward, and the toe of my shoe pointed downward toward the snapping rolls. The slip clutches on the gathering chains were activated, so the chains stopped their moving.

With pains in my legs from the wedging pressure, I realized my leg would be taken into the machine should the chains resume movement. I tried desperately to decide the next move. Will the slip clutches wear out or will they re-engage and pull me into the snapping rolls? My hasty decision was to take hold of my leg with both hands and, with a quick jerk pull my leg free. This was not the answer, as it only loosened my leg enough to permit the slip clutches to re-engage and take my leg into the snapping rolls. One leg was pulled in only to be followed by the other.
In a matter of seconds my legs were practically mutilated to the knees while I remained in a sitting position with the snapping rolls turning under my groins. I screamed loudly for help and almost immediately my voice was faint. Aware that no one was near to hear my call-no one but God-I prayed a simple prayer, "Lord, please send help!" A passage of Scripture from Psalm 18:6 has become very precious to me since that time-"In my distress I called upon the Lord and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of His temple, and my cry came before Him, even into His ears."

During the next 10 to 15 minutes or gruesome agony, I concluded this situation could very well mean death for me. But I was resolved to the fact that "live or die," I was a child of God, and He gave me perfect "peace of mind."

As I remained in this position, I intermittently called with my weakened voice for help. Presently, a fifteen-year-old kid vividly dressed in green appeared on the scene. He was a neighbor boy who lived less than a mile from our farm who had taken a walk in the nearby woods to look for deer tracks. When I saw the young man, whom I have since surnamed Robin Hood, I knew God meant to save my life. With renewed courage, I gave the lad instructions to stop the machine and proceed to get emergency aid. Scott did a terrific job of getting things moving by entering the house and using the telephone. My wife and son, who had been shopping, arrived just as he had completed the call, and together they continued to seek help.

Rescue workers soon arrived with cutting torches and emergency equipment. Also, many friends and neighbors appeared on the scene. After about 45 minutes work, during which time I witnessed and made suggestions to the workmen, I was removed from the machine and rushed to the hospital. It was necessary to have emergency surgery to remove both legs above the knees.

Many folks who have heard this story have asked, "How would you feel about the accident if you were not a Christian?"

My answer is simple. I would be a bitter and resentful man, angry at the lack of safety switches or guard bars as well as my own impetuous response. I would spend a lifetime feeling sorry for myself, as I jealously watch the unimpaired walk by.

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Some of us may take this GODLY approach to difficulties of life. Others may take another road. Here's an open letter I found on myspace to a woman who may have developed a psychosis because of difficulties that were happening in her life:

Mrs. Pearl Burras, General Delivery, Tuna, Texas.
Dear Mrs. Burras. After a recent unsettling phone call from your niece Bertha Bumiller, I feel compelled to write you. As you know, relations have been strong between the Humane Society and those who raise chickens. We do understand that this is your livelihood, disgusting as it may be to those of us here at the Humane Society.

We do feel, however, that you are posing a danger to the children of your neighborhood, as well as their pets. We're sure you love the kids of your neighborhood as much as we do.
Mrs. Burras, we have traced over seventy dog-poisonings to your doorstep. Now, don't you think you've taken eccentricity a bit too far?

We feel that you have been somewhat over-zealous in the protection of your chickens.
In fact, Mrs. Burras, there are those of us at the Humane Society who believes that you actually enjoy poisoning dogs.

We are well aware of your "bitter pills', those strychnine-laced biscuits rolled into enticing little dough balls.

We are also aware that your Husband Henry is the owner of Ripper, the finest birddog in Dewy County. How could anybody who lives around a $2,000 dog like Ripper poison peoples puppies heartlessly?

Mrs. Burras, you have classic symptoms of caninicidal thumbitus, a psychological disorder that causes you to want to kill other people's dogs, for real or imagined reasons.
Now the only known cure for caninicidal thumbitus is to surround the patient with lots and lots of dogs until the urge to kill passes.

And you are in luck, Mrs. Burras. The humane society has a one way bus ticket for you to Dallas, to the Texas State Dog Fair, where you can be surrounded by over a thousand dogs.
Mrs. Burras - if you make it through the entire show without poisoning a single animal, the Humane Society will pay your bus fare home. Think of the peace of mind! And the dogs of your neighborhood can have respite from the death and carnage to which they have been subjected.

Sincerely,
Petey Fisk
Greater Tuna Humane Society.

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I can just see the sad Scenario where Pearl is feeding her chickens, and a poodle get loose in her yard, she quickly searches for the strychnine which has been poorly hidden by Henry her husband. As she lays down the bitter pill. She sweetly says: Here puppy puppy! At which point Ripper's ears perk up and he ingests the poison. The delicious biscuit with the evil death inside. If only she listened to Petey! If only she took that one way ticket to the Texas State Dog Fair. If only she could lay down that bitter pill! Then perhaps little Ripper might have a chance!

When I went to school in Massachusetts I was bright eyed, and in love with learning. My friends skipped around the campus with joy at finding the undiscovered educational country! We would every once and a while run into a pasty white breed that had obviously stayed in their room for far too long. They looked angry and malnourished and they would mainly come out when you were having your most fun. Laughing… Playing music… WEEEEEE.

We began to call these students the B.O.S. this was short for Bitter Older Students. They would stomp up the stairs if you had your music above 5.5 and would approach you in the library if you were smiling and say "I once was like you. I once had hope that this was a fresh exciting place. I once was a freshman just like you. Thought this place would bring me to great heights. Soon you'll want to leave hear too! Soon you'll hate this place just like me!

These Bitter Older students found that the school didn't promise what they thought it was promising. Instead they had a new belief in the school that was something that they hated. It was too expensive, it was not worth it. They just wanted OUT! This bitterness would set in. and sometimes create great apathy. And would cause them to give up, or become graduates after an 8 year pot binge. This bitterness would prove to be their own cell where nothing would happen for years.

Like the B.O.S.'s experience, Life has a tendency to cause bitterness whether you are a corn picker or a woman with a poodle in your yard. Life has a tendency to cause dissatisfaction and perceptions that we don't want to hold on to. We don't want poodles in our yard! We DO want legs! But life takes the working corn gathering chain and takes our legs out from under us. Many of us don't see it like the Christian Corn picker who is witnessing to the people as his body is being cut free. And we begin developing our bitter pill. We play the same scene over and over, mouthing our words of disappointment. Some days we break free and wake up to a new day where we say we're going to quit this addiction once and for all, and then just as abruptly fall asleep with the culprit's stench all over us.

We all have forgivenesses that we must forgive. We all have the road before us that has been there for quite some time. And for some reason we have allowed ourselves to stay at the crossroads. You listen to each others jokes and they haven't changed in years. The careful droning of a bitter tongue gets laughs now, but when others go home, and have the ability to shake off your words they know that you have issues with what you're joking about.
Why do we stay? Why do we stay in our bitterness?

I had the opportunity last Tuesday to have a conversation with someone and they said "People really have two choices: to stay bitter, or to grow and move on."

And I think we have that same choice today. Between bitterness or trust. Frustration or Faith. We have been standing at this crossroads for quite sometime. And the lack of change of scenery has just proven our point; as the hot sun beats down on our souls, making us feel even more trapped. Beat up by our own despair, surrounded by our own doubt.

Even the mention of God being the answer is seen as a Joke. A comedy. A parody of life that tends to make the spewer of the good news to look like a clown. Have hope! God loves you! "HA!" Because the fact is: that when this world is infiltrated by the promises of God, it is ridiculous. It is laughable. One such promise was a child to a 90 year old woman. The post menopausal Sarai was eavesdropping on the angel and her husband, and when the angel expressed her deepest longing: to care for her very own baby, and that she would have that, the only thing she saw was her 70 years of lack. Was she bitter? Regardless there was something funny about the preposterous notion that a woman at her age could, after all this time, have her womb opened and baby born. It's a joke right? It's a funny one.

And when you see the circumstances surrounding the promises of God you really do have two choices. To be bitter or to have a good laugh and hope that God knows what he's doing. Hannah saw this happen in her life, with her child Samuel born. She at first couldn't have a baby. Who knows what envy she had towards the other wives that had children of their own, who knows the sadness in her heart that fueled her prayers? But when bitterness would simply put out the fire of prayer, it's our faith in a God that hears our prayers and answers them, that begins to move us closer to those pure desires of our heart. Bitterness puts out prayer. Growth means including God in the answer.

Throughout scripture we have people that have reason to be bitter. Abraham being promised that he would be the father of many nations, and then having ONE legitimate child. Joseph as he was in jail. Job covered in sores, in the worst pain, and his friends all around him saying "why are you such a sinner?" Even Jesus the Son has just cause to be bitter at God the Father for the invention of the cross.

How did they escape the trap of living in a scathing loathe of life. How did we not get recorded the mutterings under the breath of these people? Were they saints? I guess some of them were. But how come they don't function like normal pissed off people. How could the early Christians view their friends getting sawed in half, and still carry on?

James says something that can trigger anyone's bitter pill: "1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Thanks James. Now not only do I need to face my trials, but I need to not be pissed at the lame circumstance in which my trials occur?

How can you do that James? How can you not look at the lives of the people in difficult circumstance and take on their outrage? What sort of mental anesthesia are you taking to flip what would make someone bitter into someone that is joyful? Are you a fool? Do you know something that I don't?

Actually James does know something that I think I've forgotten. When James is talking about our attitudes of our heart towards the difficult circumstances in our lives, he has a concept that there is a good purpose behind them. So many times in our existential world, we think that we are a sail to be batted about by the wind for no reason. Trials are meaningless; suffering is senseless, testing is irrational. AND IT IS unless there is a good purpose behind it. James and most of the biblical characters and writers are of the opinion that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. SO the reason why he is saying "consider it pure joy when you face trials" is he has faith that God has purpose in allowing this trial in your life.

A dumb illustration that helped me understand this better was how airplanes are built. They start out designing a new plane on the drawing board. Then blueprints are drawn up and models are made. The models are tested, and then construction begins. After about two years the first plane will roll off the assembly line. BUT the question remains: Will it fly? Will it perform? Are we going to put tons of people on it? Heck No! Not until we know it can fly. So a test pilot must then put the plane through the paces up in the air, then once the plane has proven to be all that the maker said it is, there is confidence in the plane and the airlines will buy it. Likewise we can say our faith is good in theory, by design, etc, but it takes a test to prove that it is genuine. James is saying these trials will show how real your faith is.

But he goes one step further. He says that trying your faith works patience and patience develops her perfect work in you. Why did Sarai have to be barren for 70 years, why does our utmost hearts desire get put off for so long? James would say "because you have a loving God that cares enough for you to wait until you're ready."

Even that can make someone fume. "OOOOO I can't believe it … I want it now" But I can believe a terrible scenario where someone would build a plane, not test it, and in one crash hundreds of casualties would be the result.

Bitterness is the result of not getting what you want, and feeling entitled to it. Bitterness is a cage that keeps you where you are, and cuts you off from any growth into faith and patience. Bitterness stops you from who you are meant to be. If you have bitterness, you might want to ask God to help you.

“But I did ask, and it didn't help.” Did you ask for a baby for 70 years? Did you ask for your people to be set free from slavery? Maybe you just asked for some new legs? Could it be that you have simply forgotten that God loves you, and that the allowance of this difficulty in your life is to let you settle in a trusting relationship with him? "Because you have a loving God that cares enough for you to wait until you're ready."

Let’s break out of our cage!

You are meant to take off in faith. Believe that there is someone out there that has turned the tables on death, and has given you a promise of eternal life. Of life abundant, that lets you laugh at the lies of despair. There is a way to have pure joy when you face the trials of your life. And as those trials prolong their stay. Have faith that your patience will bring you great growth.

Today. Let the Power of God's Promises break open our cages of bitterness so that we can trust in God again, and grow into who He wants us to be.

Charlie Brown and the AntiChrist (a christmas message)

Well… it’s that time of year, the time when Rudolph partners with Yukon Cornelius, Where Chris puts one foot in front of the other, and Charlie Brown makes poor tree decisions. I love the nostalgia of the TV Christmas Animated Classics. It rarely feels like Christmas unless I revisit those holiday cheer builders.

Today as a part of my Christmas holiday music mix, I have the Vince Gauraldi Charlie Brown special music to mix up the Bing and the other classics. When I hear that Linus and Lucy bass line on the piano, I just want to break out in a two dimensional dance. There is something to the Charlie Brown Special that touches something in me. I think, in its strange little way, it does a good job of commenting on how we can get lost in Christmas time. As a kid, even though I couldn’t understand the King James that Linus recites, I knew that when Linus ends with “and That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown” … He was right. There was something catholic to it. Whether it was the fact that it was a ritual show that I visited every year, or there was something high and liturgical to Linus’s voice and the way he said “Lo”. Regardless, today I can’t read the Christmas Story in Luke without starting it with “Lights Please?”

Last year my taste of the CB special took a turn for the worse. I somehow had placed this tradition of Charlie Brown Christmas as a spiritual glazing, only to be awaken as I saw it for the first time anew. I was with others as it was going on, and I started realizing its lack of plot. I started realizing its depressing nature. I forgot about it until I caught the show last week. And this time I was awaken out of my catholic stupor. I got up from watching, feeling like I had just been slimed. I quickly did a scan of the show, and realized that except for the music and the scripture reading, it was a pretty awful show. I think the thing that struck me so hard about it was the fact that the Peanuts kids were so cruel. And how that was THE storyline! Four frame elements that barely go together with CRUEL CHILDREN… I love how it ends: We get done with Linus saying that Christmas is about Jesus. The peanut kids rip off snoopy’s Christmas Decorations to fix the tree that Charlie Brown “killed”; and then the last line we hear is “Charlie Brown is a Block Head, but at least he got a good tree.” THAT’S THE END!?! I find it interesting that cartoon children, music and a scripture can cause me to wrap up a show with hardly a plot and nasty children and have it be a palatable present I pump into my brain every year.

I guess reading a scripture nicely and saying ‘that’s what Christmas is all about’ was all I needed. I just needed that Christmas bow. It didn’t matter what was inside, as long as I had the floral wording and fond nostalgia… I could gloss over the unkindness of the Peanuts Children, and the nonsensical storyline. Apparently scripture has a way of letting me go to warm Christmas Land where bells ring angels get their wings and Bumbles Bounce.

I get why I go there. When the bible is read, we start hearing about people who “Walked with God” people who “God told to do this or that” Sometimes we even hear what God did, and what he said. And it’s very easy to relax your mind a bit and go… “That God. He knows what he’s doing” And pay no attention to the reality of WHAT’S going on. Because no one has seen God… All of us have had a story or experience or a notion that somehow points to the fact on why we read this stuff. But it’s easy to fall into the fantasy of it all. The fact that God is Perfect, Grace is perfect, love is perfect. And When we read that flowery language we can gloss over the blockhead in front of us, and simply sing Hark the Harold.

The bible may dawns its floral wording, but I think our Christmas Land cloud is just our G rating to a EVERY bible story’s sinister reality. The life that EVERYONE who walked with God was in the depressing and very cruel Peanuts world.

Last week, I was at my in laws house. It’s always filled with kids and cousins. And Sam my 7 year old Nephew casually picked up a book from the kids area and sat on someone’s lap to have them read to him. It was the story of Noah’s Ark. On the front, it had this cartoon of a man with a beard on a boat with giraffes and a brightly colored rainbow above. Matty (the one reading the story) opened it up and started reading: “Once upon a time God planned to get rid of all humanity”! HeyOOOO! What a way to start a story! But the fact is, despite our Christmas Land glasses… the depressing reality of death, destruction, and a cruel world IS the bible.
Abraham – Doesn’t have a son for 90 years, then … has a son and is told to sacrifice him.Joseph – gets sold into slavery by his brothers, then gets put in jail for not sleeping with a woman.Moses - Hebrews were in slavery, Moses’ mother floated her baby down the river to insure that he didn’t get killed by the government (She saved her baby by floating him down the river… Hello Child protective services), Moses murders someone because of an injustice, Frogs! (wha?).David – faces the largest opponent (because no one else will) as a kid, goes into hiding because the current king wants to kill him.Elijah - who is starving, hunted down, and has all of his friends killed.Job – who is stricken with a terrible diseaseAnd all the prophets - had to tell kings that their government was going to crumble, tell enemies that God loved them, and had to provide a vision of hope when everyone was depressed and a prisoner of War.
Do you see a trend here? Life isn’t all that much fun. And then if you are with God, well that doesn’t exempt you. ‘Yes Geoff, but they were in Old Testament times. Which is a lot like the Paleolithic Age… cause they didn’t have cars and heat...They almost didn’t have fire. What about New Testament times?’ Surely with the invention of Jesus life must have made the world a little more “Christmasee.” But as you look… even Jesus’ life had a lot of peanuts in it:Check it out… 18-19The birth of Jesus took place like this. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. Before they came to the marriage bed, Joseph discovered she was pregnant.(WHOOPS) (It was by the Holy Spirit, but he didn't know that.) Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced. (Um we are 18 verses into the first book of the New Testament, and we have just stumbled on a potential divorce… OF JESUS’ PARENTS!!! FYI, there is a significant amount of pain and feelings of betrayal to come to a decision of divorce, and we have THAT in the bible.)

20-23While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God's angel spoke in the dream: "Joseph, son of David, don't hesitate to get married. Mary's pregnancy is Spirit-conceived. God's Holy Spirit has made her pregnant. She will bring a son to birth, and when she does, you, Joseph, will name him Jesus—'God saves'—because he will save his people from their sins." This would bring the prophet's embryonic sermon to full term: Watch for this—a virgin will get pregnant and bear a son; They will name him Immanuel (Hebrew for "God is with us").
24-25Then Joseph woke up. He did exactly what God's angel commanded in the dream: He married Mary. But he did not consummate the marriage until she had the baby. He named the baby Jesus.

Oh it doesn’t end there. Kings come … the Christ family (Jesus and his parents… what was their last name anyway?) has to move because the ruler of the time decided that Jesus was a threat, so all baby boys were to be put to death. Then when all is clear the Christ family moves back. Moving isn’t fun, but I’d have to say: escaping because soldiers are going to kill your baby ranks up there on stress level. Bible characters didn’t really live in Christmas Land at all.
After skipping a bit you can read about an awful ending to a very godly man on the Cross.Even after the resurrection we see disciples die terrible deaths.

What am I saying here? I guess by these stories I wonder why we don’t expect more stuff to come our way. Why aren’t we more resilient? It’s pretty apparent in ALL of these stories that God saved these guys… But they didn’t live comfortable, easy lives. They weren’t on a cloud in Christmas Land, and even when they were in the zone, doing what God wanted them to do, doing the right thing, they could have easily asked “GOD WHAT AM I DOING HERE.”
Here the Christ family is at the dawn of Christianity, with Mary Pregnant. And about to be divorced. (Shh) “quietly” God HAS to intervene to say it’s His kid… There are two very strange things going on here. 1. God is involved, God is doing something. 2. A relationship is screwed up. God is on Maury saying that I’m the baby’s daddy. And the family that he “Blesses” with this is now having pre-marriage jitters. God is involved, conflict occurs. Does this seem strange?
This is not the scene on my aunt’s lawn. Where there is quiet pristine, mowed grass, a silent night. This is a very real birth with relationships, and hormones, and screaming and water breaking, and umbilical chords. A real live birth…. A baby boy… Jesus (not even their name)… And he probably did cry at the cattle lowing.

Two very real concepts at work here. God intimately involved. And Humanity Intimately involved. Stepping on each other’s toes and creating one heleva story! But not one that isn’t void of pain or danger.

When kids are cruel, when money runs out, when the stress level goes through the roof, I lose my focus on Linus’ words. I feel like I’m trapped in something other than Christmas. Many people dread the holiday season for these reasons. They begin trying their hardest to live in Christmas Land where there is a silent night. Put to sleep the reality of a birth, and huddle in the corner reading King Jimmy. They Rack up debt, they give into established family patterns, our motto is: LET’S SURVIVE DECEMBER! It’s Anti-Christmas!

When I listen to linus’ words, I know that Christmas is all about. But maybe it would be better for me if I knew what Christmas wasn’t about. Maybe I need to scream out like Charlie “What is Anti-Christmas all about? Does anyone know? Can anyone tell me?”

I was thinking about what Anti-Christmas might be… and I figured that it was probably lead by the Anti-Christ? In studying for this message I thought that it would be interesting to talk about the Anti-Christ. I donno, it just seemed like a fun Juxtaposition to Christmas. I broke out the Revelation last time, so Why not? Right? I was thinking “What better way to get people into the manger scene then by talking about a Devil Baby?” I thought how clever would it be to ask “are you celebrating Christmas or ANTI-CHRSTMAS?”

So... I have seen apocalyptic movies, Swartzenagger films, horror devil movies, none of them were going to prepare me to what I was about to read in the bible… I opened up the Book of Revelation to see what it said about the Anti-Christ and you know what it said? Wait for it… NOTHING!

Wha?!? Revelation doesn’t have Jack squat on the Anti-Christ! Imagine my disappointment… I wanted to unleash the truth to you on what sort of demonic practice some people celebrate when they put up the anti-christmas wreath… BUT NO ANTI-CHRIST in revelation! OK OK… There is a reference to a beast that comes out of the sea and a beast that comes out of the land (which people interpret to be something like a huge world leader… blah blah blah…), but in terms of the words anti-christ… NO WHERE! Of all places where the antichrist needs to be … NOT THERE. I thought I was going to read about a baby born of wealth and status from the spawn of Satan… laid in a golden bed. Yram (mary spelled backwards) is his mom and she wears red all the time (instead of blue)… ROCK AND ROLL! Yeah… not there.

OK so I’m still trying to find out what Anti-Christmas is all about. So I need to know… Is the Anti-Christ in the bible? Yes. The Anti-Christ is talked about in the most odd of places. 1st John and 2nd John. I was surprised to see this because John is such a lover, and a lover of Christ, that to have thoughts about a devil baby just seemed weird in this book. It just seemed weird that John would utter “God is Love” and thoughts on the Anti-Christ in the same book. As I was reading, I found my apocalyptic movie training slowly getting schooled. I saw Arnald Swartzenegger’s world melt, and Keanu’s wings torch before me. Because the reality of what John was saying about the Anti-Christ was something that didn’t have anything to do with Devil spawn. Here’s what he said:

In 1Jo 2:18 he writes “Dear children, this is the last hour; and as you have heard that the antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come. This is how we know it is the last hour.” This standing alone gives us anticipation for something awful… However when you read the next reference, you begin to see that it isn’t Damien he’s talking about at all. 1Jo 2:22 - “Who is the liar? It is the man who denies that Jesus is the Christ. Such a man is the antichrist--he denies the Father and the Son.” So the antichrist is someone that simply denies Jesus is the Christ. That’s it. The antichrist simply is the one who denys Jesus was from God. The fourth chapter confirms this: 1Jo 4:3 – “but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.“ Let’s add to this the only other reference to the antichrist in 2Jo 1:7 – “Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the antichrist.” This states that there are two other traits to the antichrist. They not only deny that Jesus was from God, but that he actually was a man; and to top it all off, they attempt to deceive others into believing the same thing.
At the time this was actually very relevant. (not that it isn’t now) because there was a group of people in John’s time that were talking about Jesus, but they were painting a picture that was not the real story. They were called the Gnostics. You can read their literature today. But they had two major things that chapped John’s britches:

The Gnostics were saying that Jesus wasn’t human. The natural world was made of elements that were too “beggarly” to house the creator. There is far too much sex and childbirth and other unclean things that don’t have anything to do with the salvation of man. As a result Jesus could not have assumed a material body… because it would be “Stuffed with excrement.” And that’s just wrong!

Others around John were saying that Jesus was simply a great man with God in him. They asked people to abandon their search for God and look for him by taking yourself as a starting point. They encouraged their followers to learn who it is who within you makes everything his own and says, ‘my God, my mind, my thought, my soul, my body.’ They taught the sources of sorrow, joy, love, hate, were all to be investigated, and when that was done, you would find God in yourself. They simply thought that Jesus did this very well and that’s why he achieved greatness.

These thoughts were worth addressing to John, because John experienced the REAL Jesus. The real WORD that became FLESH. And John needed to tell us that they are believing in something other than Christ. Against who Christ really is. Not a scary demon boy. But a very terrible notion to John that someone would think that a Creator didn’t care enough to really become human. Or that Jesus is just a really spiritual dude like Billy Graham. John said these people are believing something other than Christ. Other than the truth. And trying to deceive people into thinking these ways.

So who is the antichrist according to John? They are the one who denies the Father and the Son. The antichrist is the one who denies Jesus was a man. The one who tries to deceive you into thinking that he was only God or only man or neither. John isn’t prophesying doom. He’s developing discernment. A concept that we can possibly apply to our lives today: as we let the Christ family as they glow silently on our lawn. We don’t want to think that that night had the screaming of labor associated with it. OR even in the other extreme where there was a poor kid named jesus that was born with no god associated with him at all. John said “the Word became Flesh.”

I’m going to do it--- In Light of what John is saying about the things we look at instead of Christ Today I want to pose the question:

What are you celebrating instead of Christmas this year? It’s not Kwanza. Are you beholding the antichrist in the manger this year? Is your Christmas void of any humanity? Are you celebrating a holiday where you must find the perfect presents, racking up the perfect debt? Attending and being invited to the perfect parties? Even trying to make the season perfectly reflect the vision of Emmanuel- God with us? If your expectations are in the heavens, prepare to come down on the 26th with resentment towards the holiday and maybe even your faith.
Or what about the other side? Instead of Christmas this year are you in pain? Unable to move out of depression. Angry at others circumstances, and the twinkle in their eye, be aware that we live in conflict with our world. Be aware that God Saves. That God is intimately there with you in your pain. And wants you to be the success story.

Lights please:
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

“And that’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown.” – He’s right… a baby was born, a very human baby full of tears and pain, and in conflict with our world because he was also a very divine child born outside of nature. Outside of what we can understand; both together in one baby.

John asks “how do you know you are a Christian?” His answer is: “you know you’re a Christian when you follow God’s commandments.” Not the ten commandments (those are societal… don’t murder… that a given societal rule.) but you are called to something far greater – called to affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity, willingness to stick with things until they are accomplished… etc. John says you wear these things like a badge. You don’t need to talk about it, because you are it, you believe it.

2000 years ago there was a child born, some thought he would grow up to be a great man, some thought he was God, John is convinced that he is both. And that to understand that, means that I must be impacted by that love. He says that if I believe, I will wear my care of others on me like a badge. John is saying if you GET IT, you will start to live in conflict with your peanuts world. You will have a saving God in your painful set of circumstances. Like the bible characters, and like Jesus, the conflict is to truly care. Matthew says that Jesus came to die for our sins; such a conflict that the world is still trying to wrap its mind around. God died because he cared for you; died because he was in conflict with this world and wanted you to know what love is. To die for your friends.

Today… let your conflicts with the holiday season reflect your care for others. Understand the balance between your pristine expectations and dreams, and the difficulty of a cruel peanuts world. Take a moment to contemplate the miracle of Jesus being born into this world because God loves you. And … Have a Very Merry Christmas.

The Whirlwind is in the Thorntree

I was looking through a photo album yesterday and I ran across an awesome picture of me in this orange Elizabethan outfit. I had the ruffles, the knickers AND the tights. It's important to know that this was my Senior Prom picture. My date wore a matching Orange Dress with boostiea and I think tights as well. I was part of the drama crowd, which explains most of that. It's also important to point out that within a sea of penguin suits, I was the one crowned prom king. There's also a reason for this: I campaigned. Though I didn't mind doing the KING AND QUEEN Dance with the well developed Josie Bacuzi, I couldn't help but to be sad for my date. We campaigned together. We both stood in Cleveland's hall and then later in the foyer of Mongomery park with our signs ---protesting the other potential royalty. I was sad that Timory was on the sidelines watching as the bubbles descended around Josie and I. I was sad the Seniors must not have really understood that we were together in our campaign--- A vote for one is a vote for the other. I was mainly sad because… we matched… that would have been a great picture!

Timory and I were not an "item," we were more close to brother and sister, or partners in crime. Meeting each other in daybright pre-school at 3. My mom recalls: "we were going to get some free babysitting and the local library at Story Time, and from across the carpet you saw Timory. Quickly you tugged at my pants in sheer glee, and in your mouse-child voice, began screaming 'Mommie mommie Timory's here!' You and she then practiced your tumbling on the Library floor as the poor woman reading the very hungry caterpillar, simply let her eyes glaze over with a dream of a better job."

Having one hyperactive child is one thing, but 2 in the same class was a creative cyclone of …fun… for us. Quickly the school staff realized that Geoff and Timory needed to be separated. Both for everyone's sake, and probably for the sake of our grades.

We didn't mind though, we had recess and afterschool. I was the only boy at her birthday and she the only girl at mine. As we grew, our sense of humor did as well. We would find ourselves on the stoop of her house with a microphone and an amp badgering runners, cars and other people in the neighborhood with our own talk show called "bother the neighbors." We would come up with fun games when we learned how to drive. Like driving slowly next to someone and yelling "why the proud strut?" or holding up signs on a road trip to the car next to us saying "nice toupee." My mom would say that we were going to get shot.

Graduation held a special place in our heart as we had orchestrated a mass cacophony of super balls to come crashing onto the stage as seniors were shaking the principal's hand. It didn't happen exactly the way we had planned, as we simply wanted our principal to have pockets full of super balls. But when someone panicked and yelled "throw them now!" There was something beautiful about the wave of rubber balls that found their way into the various instruments playing pomp and circumstance.

After graduation we did the college thing, and though we hung out, it was apparent that we were changing, possibly products of our environment, perhaps just growing up. But then something very strange happened: I became a Christian. Two years into our college experience and I went headlong into Christianity. After a brief stint with Buddhism, this was a new world for me: I was taking a bible college course in Old Testament. I was going to church 3 times a week (twice on Sundays) and that movement began changing me. Some people saw it for the better, others for the worse. There can be a lot loaded in the statement "Geoff got born again."

In that time I had one conversation with Timory about my faith. It quickly turned sour as the topic moved from my actual faith, to Decisions on Roe V Wade, ugly judgmentalism, and maybe a sprinkling of the crusades. With that, as a new Christian, I chose to not bring it up again, as I wasn't equipped at that moment, to defend the church's negative PR over the centuries. Plus I never got into politics.

At the end my first transferred year at Pepperdine, I got a terrible phone call. My mom was on the other end of the phone crying, and she reported to me that Timory had fallen through a window on her college campus, and she died. It was her birthday, and she was at a party (for her) and leaned against one of the older windows, it gave way and she fell 3 stories onto the pavement.

I didn't have time to breathe, my best friend, though we hadn't seen each other in a while, was gone. Then my mom hits me with the next news. "They want you to speak at the funeral."This sent my faith spinning. A great friend, my best friend… and then a new issue… My new faith, my controversial faith. It was this moment for me that created a crucible of thoughts that was beyond pain.

Let me tell you where I was, this is where I was; you guys can have your own theological spin on how things work, I have mine. And mine at the time told me Timory did not accept Jesus. Which according to the content I was reading and learning at the time had very terrible consequences. I will spare you the details, but I was tortured with my condemning thoughts towards her. I would be appalled as my mind would picture one of the most painful thoughts that I could surmise. Timory in Hell. Keep in mind It wasn't something that I wanted to think about or consider… It's just what the teachings were inferring. And I couldn't get it out of my head. My best friend not just Gone… but being tortured.

It wasn't too long with these thoughts until my friend Jen saw me completely melting down. She listened to my visions, and saw how difficult they were to me. She understood what I was saying and where I was coming from. Then, as if hope were a product, she gave me something to let me breathe. She wiped my tears, and said: "Geoff… you are not the Judge of Timory. Geoff … You don't have the right to put her there. Geoff… You do not know how far the grace of God extends. Only God can make those decisions. Not you." Jen wiped my tears away and gave me some perspective in the whirlwind of my pain

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Hey how about a light topic to read about? I have an idea: let's go through one of the most uncomfortable faith challenges in my life. We've been talking about things that are amazing: Prodigal son, Prodigal father, Grace… Well obviously the next thing we should talk about is Judgment. Let's talk about 21 year old best friends falling to their death. Oh and lets tack on thoughts about Hell and Judgment. Let's not mince words here. How about I also just put the cherry on top of this sermon and I donno… How about I open up the book of Revelation… The Apocalypse of Jesus Christ. Hey how religiously uncomfortable can I make you all? Hey how religiously out of my league can I put myself?

Somehow I gravitate towards miracles every Sunday that I speak. Perhaps it's me testing the resolve of God's faithfulness to his people. Over and over rescuing me from my own terrible mind; bringing up thoughts that create a huge elephant in the room. It might be God simply leading me towards challenge and oblivion in the same breath. Regardless, I've learned to trust God. To simply obey, because the outcome of going through the whirlwind is far better then avoiding it. So today's challenge for me is to open a book in the bible that causes me anxiety.

That book is the book of revelation; high anxiety book for me number one, because after working on the street with homeless people I noticed a scientific correlation between the number of Revelation Passages someone knows or can quote, and the amount that someone needs to be taken to the crazy house. Secondly After seeing the various apocalypse movies out there, I'm not all that excited about fire and blood and dragons and all that. Third, and this is after reading it a couple times, I get a pretty good sense that it is about the end of the world and judgment day… again not my favorite thoughts.

I get the Jesus thing. I enjoy the Jesus thing. I love the forgiveness Jesus. The clever quipping Jesus. The Jesus that is in my heart. But when Jesus is soaked in blood and has a sword in his mouth… that's a weird Jesus.

Revelation is full of weird. And if you read it you won't be far along and you'll probably ask… what do I do with this? The thing is, the Book of Revelation, was not written to be riddle to amuse ourselves with. It was actually given to believers under a lot of pressure from the state, religious institutions, the economy, and even their fellow church members. Let me paint the picture:

Jesus' resurrection was about sixty five years ago. Most of the people who knew Him personally are dead, and a second generation of Christians have grown up. The gospel asserts that Jesus is King of the world and is coming back soon to claim His domain. But as the years pass, he still has not come. Now a madman has become emperor of Rome who actually believes the poet's praises' that he is a god incarnate. He likes to be addressed as "Our Lord and God." He has decreed that anyone who holds public office, anyone who testifies In court – practically everyone – must offer a pinch of incense to the emperors guardian spirit and declare "Caesar is Lord" if a person refuses to worship the emperor. He may lose his job, his home, even his life. To answer this question for the embattled Christians in the first century and every century since, God gave a series of visions to someone named John. It is called the "revelation of Jesus Christ; which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place.

I can't go through the whole book with you right now (I know you want that). You should do it though. In the third verse of the first chapter it states an explicit blessing for just reading it. That's a reason all itself for you to do it. Many people have their take on what is what in the book.There are many themes that most people agree on. God's character, nature, and attributes. Christ's Work and results. What is the universe's true meaning and purpose? Who has the Power? Who seems to? Evil's Source, and its nature. The kingdom of God. And the biggie: Our response to the book.

This particular theme is really meaning: in response to the other themes… But I'd have to say that in my first reading of this book (in a while) I had some responses that were not so happy. First of all, as I was reading I was asking… Where'd my John go. My word became flesh john. My God is love John. Um when I opened Revelation I may have gotten a blessing, but I think it was a mixed blessing. Here John is void of any amazing love. Just, BOOM--judgment! Hailstorms. Crazy scary stuff. I looked around after I finished and wondered what John was doing. Trying to make sense of it all, my research showed that John was adopting a certain style of writing for the time. Apocalyptic writing was big back then. And the point of it was to show that God wins. Very often when we read these passages we read them in a context of fear, and danger. But what this told me was John is using a poetic form to tell you a hopeful message. As I began to understand this, the nightmare future was somewhat relaxed. But I still couldn't grasp the hope of it all. All I could get for myself was God's judgment. I saw the earth being judged. It brought me back to my friend Timory, and I couldn't be excited at the tearless end. I just felt confused.

This apocalyptic future oriented book wiped away the salve of responsibility that Jen had put on my eyes so many years ago. And it was apparent that I needed to grapple with something. I needed to grapple with the concept of what being SAVED really means. WHY IS JUDGEMENT AN OPTION? These concepts fly around in my head and I realize that I have to come to terms with the fact that I have issues with Judgment. This concept causes me get caught up in a whirlwind where I just can't stomach the implications…I want to throw my faith off, and figure out something that is nicer.

As I looked into these concepts I found that to Save means get out of trouble. There is a lot of trouble out there: sickness, political intrigue, oppression, poverty, imprisonment and all kinds of danger and evil. God saves means God intervenes to rescue. As I looked into it, I found God compassionately and miraculously steps in and intervenes,. He steps in and protects his people from their enemies and themselves. One form of that protection is of all things… Judgment!

Looking deeper I found Judgment to be a form of salvation. I had assumed that when I read revelation or heard about the judgment of God it was something bad or awful; but in the biblical context it means "The coming of Truth and Justice into our deceived and oppressed world." It's rare that you come across someone that is waving the evil flag. Yelling "dude I love deception and oppression!" So realistically it begins to help me when I see that judgment is Truth overturning deception. Essentially if some bad or dishonest people are out to deceive and oppress others, God brings Justice by bringing judgment. There begins to be natural consequences to their bad actions, and as a result the evildoers are incapacitated and cannot fulfill the additional evil that they've intended. If others are misjudging you, then God comes as your vindicator, your justifier. God tells the truth, which exposes the lies of your mis-judgers. That was what apocalyptic writing was about … Over and over the biblical writers anticipated the day that God will come to judge evil, to expose it and permanently incapacitate it while vindicating good. This to them was SALVATION. They were SAVED when evil was GONE.

Sometimes it can be more complicated though… What if we are the ones that have done evil? What if we see the just consequences of doing evil coming upon us? In this way God saves by Judging, and then forgiving. So many times the danger that we got into is self created, self sabotaging, and most of us keep doing it because we are self deluded, and function in self denial. God names what the evil is. He penetrates our self denial and self delusion and begins the act of saving by telling the truth. But then God goes further. As the consequences of our bad behavior looms over us, we realize that we've done something stupidly wrong. And we do something about it, as we become truly sorry, as we have a change of heart, God goes further by forgiving us; thus bringing salvation. Salvation is something that happens when we experience both judgment and forgiveness. Without both, we don't end up with true salvation.

Forgiveness without conviction is not forgiveness; it's irresponsible toleration. It doesn't lead to reconciliation or peace--- it leads to chaos. Conversely Judgment without mercy is not salvation but condemnation. It doesn't lead to reconciliation or peace--- it leads to alienation. The good news of salvation is that God Sent Jesus not to condemn, but to save. To save by bringing Justice with Mercy, True Judgment AND True Forgiveness. First by exposing our wrong ( or judging), so that we can face our wrong and turn from it, and then by forgiving our wrong, God intervenes and breaks the chain of cause and effect of offense and alienation so we are truly saved/liberated/rescued from the vicious cycle we've created.

After learning this, the whirlwind begins to die down in me and I can begin to start to see what John is trying to tell. Of an actual beautiful scene where the world of evil is toppled and the joy of peace is true.

At age 70, Johnny Cash in 2002 released the song, "The Man Comes Around," In the liner notes; the artist writes "The initial idea for the song came from a dream. I was in Nottingham, England and had bought a book called "Dreaming of the Queen." The book talked about the great number of people in that country who dream that they are with Queen Elizabeth II. I dreamed that I walked into Buckingham Palace, and there she sat, knitting or sewing…Another woman sat beside her. As I approached, the queen looked up at me and said, "Johnny Cash! You're like a thorn tree in a whirlwind." Then of course, I awoke. I realized that "Thorn tree in a whirlwind" sounded familiar to me. Eventually I decided that it was biblical, and I found it in the book of Job. From there it grew into a song, and I started lifting things from the book of Revelation. It became "The Man Comes Around."

The song begins with Cash speaking Revelation's bit about the white horse, an acoustic guitar chunks its way in, then Cash, his baritone with an eerie edge, sings his vision of the apocalypse, offering a choice between the communion cup of salvation or a nameless grave in the potter's field. By the time the song ends, and whether you believe it or not, you're stone sure that Cash believes his version of events to come. The song is both thrilling and sobering, and it — along with the rest of Cash's work in the illness-plagued last decade of his life — is a testament to the creative will of a tenacious artist.

Johnny Cash, you are like thorn tree in a whirlwind." It doesn't take long, looking over the events and challenges of his life, to see that Queen Elizabeth II was right. There seems to be a prickliness to the man, a painful smacking of branches together, a restless wandering leaving him tattered and warn. The lines on his face and his wispy white hair talk of a soul who has lived hard and has felt the pang of many mistakes. Describing his wife, June Carter Cash, he said, "it took her a long time, but she tamed me. Sometimes though when the wind is blowing late at night I wish I was still wild." Most recently he said this of her.

"I am persuaded that nothing can separate me from my love of my God, my wife, and my music. Life is rich when I can come home, after hours in the studio, feeling as frayed as a hundred Big G strings, and curl up to June Carter. She's a soft, fluffy Mama Bear. That's when I give God a "Thanks a lot, Chief." Sometimes in the morning I'll say "Good Morning" to the Awesome Presence, but sometimes I forget to.

"Home from the studio . . . it seals the day's work when I relate to June what I did that day. But the music never stops. It's an unending loop through my brain. Over and over and over again. Finally my head settled on this one particular song, and won't let go."

The whirlwind in Job and the apocalyptic writing of John's Revelation can do that to you. They can get in your brain and keep running around in there. There is something about the sound of that whirlwind… God's voice in Job. It's like God is angry and mocking, tired and yet determined. It's as if God has been listening for far too long, and finally has grown weary of our dribble. It is in this moment, like Cash described, in the moment when we start to see the rather vain quality of our speculations, of our grand schemes, our misplaced confidence, in the midst of this, a voice comes through and drives us down to earth. These strange and rather outlandish voices in scripture can each become a whirlwind that make us want to look away. Sometimes the voices are impersonal and glitzy like Revelation, sometimes they are painful and personal like the death of a friend, Or sometimes they are even certain concepts that conflict with everything inside you--Like judgment. It seems God uses the whirlwind of these voices to shake things up.

Shaking your trees allows you to see where your roots are planted and eventually brings you great clarity. There are moments in life that turn our knobs and bring us into sharp painful resolution, moments that reveal how we take for granted the fragility of life. In a heartbeat a young girl can fall from a building ending her life. And in the midst this swirl of change, you can only ask for salvation. Save us from Evil! To accept the whirlwind, and somehow look above for hope. To peer through the jungle of disaster to see through the trees a glint of light; that spark of hope that we must hold onto. Perhaps to hope for someday when all your tears will be wiped away. Not a quick fix, but like the day John of Patmos described, a day beyond tears, a land over yonder where death has been swallowed up and cast away. When all evil is exposed for what it is, and forgiveness and the love of God is our daylight. These are the images of a God that understands where the whirlwind takes us. Enduring a cross that understands how painful exposed roots can be. As a result he comes close and says, I am with you. Believe in me and trust in my love for you.

It makes sense that the church was born with a rushing wind, a whirlwind. Church is a cyclone of chaos that picks up and spins your own opinions, socializations, and causes you to collide with each other. In our messy lives we lose the clarity. Like Job got lost in his feelings of woe, or like John getting lost in his visions, we can lose sight of what is good here and now. We lose the clarity Johnny Cash spoke of when he wrote, "Life is rich when I can come home . . . and curl up to June Carter."

Sometimes the whirlwind is the rush of living life, and it becomes rich. Sometimes life is good and tasty, like a song with an amazing hook that just makes you want to dance. Sometimes, though, the whirlwind is in the thorn tree and it hurts.

I did speak at Timory's funeral a week later. I stood up there in front of an auditorium of people who were in midst of a whirlwind of pain. Their daughter, friend, and neighbor was gone, and THIS was a great injustice. My personal decision of her soul was placed where I needed it to be: With the one who loves, tells the truth, and forgives. The one who knows when to expose evil, and when people need to be comforted. As I spoke, I spoke of a girl who I loved very deeply. I told stories of the antics we performed, and I ended up throwing a basket of super balls on the audience. It made people remember that life IS rich, and that we need to look for it.

Today, it is my desire that God would give you the hope of his grace, that you would squint your eyes and peer through the whirlwind and capture that sparkle of a vision of that day where your tears are wiped away, and there is no more pain.

The Grumpy Jesus

Lately I've been surprised by the books I've been reading. I hear about a book, and I go Wow, "A long way gone: a memoir of a child soldier" and then I dive in and am surprised when its a good 100 pages of Battle porn. Slicing off of heads, rape and incessant killing. Then I ask myself, what did you expect from A MEMOIR OF A CHILD SOLDIER.
A couple of months ago I read a book written by Julia Sweeney, you might remember her from her classic character that even made the silver screen, PAT, the endogenous HE/SHE that the joke was everyone having awkward moments trying to figure out his/her gender. She had a book that was recommended, I thought it would be cool because it had two things that interested me: Comedy and God. I'm a dork. It was called "Letting Go of God." Again for some reason the title didn't get through to me. I'm not sure if I didn't read the synopsis, or if I just didn't believe the title. But sure enough by the end of
the book I was surprised. There Julia was... a happy content atheist. She started out with these wonderful catholic stories, and for some reason, I thought her journey was going to take a cyclical approach like some sort of Shakespeare play. But nope. happily without God, there she stood at the end of the book, leaving me with this void of clever
closure, lesson learned, sometimes you can judge a book by its cover.
What it did for me was it made me look deep and ask "what keeps me a Christian?" (After some brief introspection I personally found out that nothing besides my relationship with God was keeping me in the CHRISTIANITY CAMP. In theory God has the ability to move me wherever he may want. Someone may have issue with me saying "it is the right expression for now"... but the question brought up that my relationship with God was far more important to me, then the form or expression that it took on. But really that's pretty theoretical anyway as I can't imagine God moving me other places. It really doesn't matter, I guess I was sharing where that introspection led me.) I thought it was an interesting and engaging question so I asked others. Some had interesting answers,
and some had interesting stories.
One story came from my mother in law Mrs Eddington. Who by the way is the kindest most faithful woman. She's the kind of woman you ask to pray for something and SHE DOES. One day Crystal and I were hanging out with her mom and dad and the subject of THE TERRIBLE YEAR came up. I was intrigued. 1986 was the year that it all went down. 5 close friends
died, one of them was shot in the head by her boyfriend. Cliff (my father in law) lost his Job so the family was destitute. And on top of it his best friend who was a pastor of their church, was kicked out in a very ugly way (political yick). I saw a fire in Mrs Eddington's eyes that I hadn't seen before, as she told more tales of how awful that year was. She said passionately to crystal and I that she expressed to cliff... "WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. YOU HAVE FAMILY IN TENNESSEE. LETS PACK UP AND MOVE." She said I wanted to run because it was so bad. We didn't want to answer the phones cause there would be a new friend who died.
I, knowing that they still hold onto their faith, and did at this time asked. What kept you sane... what kept you going... what kept you with God. She talked about how she prayed. I asked if she got any answers? and she said not right away. What else did you do?Well I prayed a lot.And?I looked in the bible for answers, I really searched to find something.did you find any?Well not right away.But did you?Yes.... (And here I was about to get my answer. The answer that can get someone through anything... I'm so excited!!!!) One day I was on my last legs and I was asking God give me something, and then I looked down in my bible, and there it was... (What is it... the answer) Be thankful in all things.
At this point the record scratched and Crystal said: "did that work? cause that would piss me off."
And it did work for her. It was what she needed to persevere. And I came away from that happy that I got her answer. It was beautiful simple and challenging.
Challenging because I can just imagine some preacher listening to the troubles of someone, and then callously spouting off at the end as if he didn't even hear about the deaths and pain and says with a southern accent; Dear, the bible says that regardleuhs what ya'll are goin thru... Be Thankful in ALL THINGS. All this is wibble wobble stinkin' thinkin', and when glory befalls you in the end you'll look on this and laugh. At which point I say. "what a dick."
Religion is one of the things that turned Julia's faith spigot off, the other one was reading the bible. She took a year bible study where she read the entire bible, and found that the God in the old testament a little rash. She grieved at the idea of God judging nations and was angered at how much of a dick the old testament God was.
So I was perusing the new testament this week and since it is fall season where scary things occur... I thought I'd share with you a scary story in the new testament. One that messes with my idea of Jesus. Because I can say "religious people are dicks" or "That Judging Old testament God is a dick" but when you venture into Jesus territory, your messing with things.... Cause its Jesus. You don't call Jesus a dick, unless you want to mess with things.
So here you go. A scary fall tale of Jesus... the dick. You can make the decision if I am being too harsh.
Matthew 15:21 Then Jesus left Galilee and went north to the region of Tyre and Sidon. (Here Jesus is on the border of Israel. so He's bordering on GENTILE territory. is it a surprise that ) 22 A Gentile[e] woman who lived there came to him, pleading, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David! For my daughter is possessed by a demon that torments her
severely.”
(Apparently, there are levels of possession, and according to some the language in this passage lets you know its bad. Probably Beds moving heads turning, pea soup vomiting. This is bad. Your daughter is the devil. And not necessarily JUST a teenager. She HAS A PROBLEM. Now this isn't the run of the mill, give her two Valium or its a phase type of
crap. Its big, spiritual, messed up stuff. And hey... Jesus is in town, and hey he is the Son of God, Um... I think he can help. To this Syrophanecian Woman, Jesus was the answer for this torment in her life. there was no other answer, and she told him by her language. "Son of David" is the language of someone being called the Messiah. She new
that He was IT for the answer.)
23 But Jesus gave her no reply, not even a word. (Um... Hello? My daughter has a snake bite and you have the anti venom in your pocket I'm not just going away. Helloooo!... I need your help... I need you to take this demon out of my daughter.)
Then his disciples urged him to send her away. “Tell her to go away,” they said. “She is bothering us with all her begging.” 24 Then Jesus said to the woman, “I was sent only to help God’s lost sheep—the people of Israel.”(what? why are you on the border of Canaan if you are not going to reach out to the people on the border? What about that idea you preached days ago on the sabbath? the one where if there is an ox that falls in a hole or whatever, will you not try to rescue it?.... But then look at this woman's response:)
25 But she came and worshiped him, pleading again, “Lord, help me!”(this woman has balls. As a Canaanite, she is a nationality that has been a pain to the Jews for ages. the first ones to have "the promised land" and also put Israel in captivity several times... Racial tension is high, as we can see by Jesus' next rather painful comment. Yet She knows who he is and what he can do)
26 Jesus responded, “It isn’t right to take food from the children and throw it to the dogs.” (Um... I'm pretty sure that Jesus just called her a dog. utilizing a common slur Jesus uses a common Jewish reference for a Canaanite. Not pretty, and exactly what he is saying here. Um Racist much Jesus? Is this a bad time? Did we catch you on a bad day? There is something to say that you are "the Son of David", the Messiah, the one promised to the nation of Israel... But what happened to "A light to the Gentiles?" 27 She replied, “That’s true, Lord, but even dogs are allowed to eat the scraps that fall beneath their masters’ table.” (polite and belittled the woman knows that leaving in a huff or fighting with his comments will get her no closer to her daughter's health. And so...)
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.
For most of us this is the end. The Jesus we know. the one who heals people. The one who laughs at their lack of faith and picks them out of the water. But does the fact that we just witnessed racial slurs coming from our savior bother anyone? It was a story like this that rubbed Julia Sweeney the wrong way about the Jesus that she thought she heard about. And in my estimation its the sort of thing that others should take offense to it as well. I think it is most offensive because I have Jesus on a pedestal somewhere and I have my own life somewhere else. Jesus is in my ideal world, and my life is filled with things that offend me like this passage. It is silent when I need an answer. It has people that seem to be better, that deserve it more, and it is full of accusations of insensitivity.
So there you go... the Spooky Halloween story of your Jesus and mine being a racist dick. How do you say Jesus, why were you a racist dick to this woman that needed your help. It's a riddle that I came up with. How do you call Jesus a racist dick in the middle of a sermon, and survive? (I'm not sure I can)
---------------
Proverbs30:28 has an equally strange riddle as well
The lizard taketh hold with her hands, Yet is she in kings' palaces.
John Bunyan the writer of a pilgrim's progress replaces this idea of a lizard with something possibly much more relevant to our eyes, not only with our thoughts towards the beast, but also because its that time of year when spooky creepy crawly things come out.
Christiana is in the interpreter's house, and the interpreter brings her into a grand room. Fit for a king. a palatial bedroom, and he asks her what she sees. And she walks around and says its an amazing room. He says look closer. Looking around again she says I see nothing out of the ordinary but an ugly spider on the wall. And sure enough that was the riddle. Full of venom, ugly and hairy, yet living in the most palatial of places alongside the king.
You may think that God sees us like spiders, and that we look like ugly creatures to Him and we have no place in such a fine room, But God uses this example of our venomous and ill-favored friend to show us how our faith holds us in His presence. This spider has taken hold with her hands, and, as I see, lives in the best room of the house. Do you see? That, however full of the venom of sin you might be, yet you may, by the hand of Faith, lay hold of and dwell in the best room that belongs to the King above?
Her faith held her up in the silence of her Lord. Her faith held her up when she felt ridiculed and annoying to others. Her faith held her up when she saw that her venom gave her no entitlement to the room. Her faith held fast to Jesus, to see him as he truly is, to love him, and trust him, as a Friend, even when he seems to come forth against her as an Enemy. This is the faith that Jesus commends her, and this is the faith that received her answer.
Today, Where does your answer lie. Does your answer lie in giving up because your prayer has faded away. The deafening silence of the one you know talks to this person and that person, will not even speak to what you have to say! Does your answer get brushed away by the crowd. When it seems that so many have a better "place" with God. Their crowding
around him is far too much to bear. You say to yourself, they are His people I don't belong. Does your answer lie in offense at a brutal master, who is insensitive with his words, and doesn't care for your feelings.
Put your eggs in any of these baskets, and your daughter is still is filled with snake venom, and your life is as well. "But why cant God just know that I'm in pain? why can't God just do something about it? Why can't God talk to me?"
Is it ever right to be treated like an ugly animal? I have at times felt like I have been brushed off of God's shoulder (ahhhh). I have at times dwelt in the camp of God the prick. "god did this to me" we say, I Don't know what to do, but I hate being here, and have no where to turn. Why???
It feels like we're inside the movie scream (which I haven't seen nor will I, cause the concept freaks me out too much). There is some maniac that is into torture to punish us for our sin. Someone might say it is our test, but when I think of tests I think of the SAT's where my slow reading and slow comprehension, made me look terrible. Full of stress and bad grades.
Why? If you are here, at this place, I don't know if I want to give you the answer. The tension of the place that you are at, me giving you an answer may seem trite. "here's your problem, blah blah blah." Me giving you a pad answer for all of your complex circumstances, may feel as painful as being called a Dog for being where you are, who you are. Foolish. It would be like Job's friends emerging from their silence, and telling him stuff that wasn't relevant or even true.
Yet let me at least give you the Syrophenician Woman's answer. Why did Jesus treat her like this? It just seems as though that in this instance He hadn't eaten his bread for the day, or was up to late praying and hadn't had his morning coffee, or maybe he was with his buddies, like danny zooko at the beginning of grease when he acts all cool in
front of his friends, and acts like a jerk towards Sandy.
She cried out to him; where was the Jesus who is always open and attentive to the cries of the poor, who is always ready to give an answer of peace? But to this poor woman there is no answer.
When the disciples spoke well of her; where was the Jesus who's grace gives us every entitlement to go to his throne? But this woman is stopped in her tracks by the very Rules that he is undercutting with the teachers of the law on Saturday.
When she continued; where was the Jesus that welcomes all the little children of the world, Red and Yellow Black and white? (except if you're a Canaanite) Surely that song also apples to Canaanite's? Right? Yet he gives her not only a repulse, but a reproach as well.
Surely in this story this woman outshines the Grumpy Jesus. Surely this woman's syrophenician skin actually looks more beautiful than the Racist pure blood Jew who seems to be as cold as the world around us.
And I think that's where the truth of this story is illuminated. We would love to always have at our beckon call the creator of the universe, "genie, yes master" but if you have lived any sort of life. You understand that life actually is pretty grumpy. You may not have your daughter vomiting up pea soup on your good bed linens, but there is truth to
the fact that there is something in your life, and a grumpy Jesus has your answer.
You may see him for how you see him, But Christ knows you all the way. He knows what is in your heart, knows the strength of your faith, and knows how able you are, by his grace, to break through such discouragements. He therefore meets you with them, that the challenge to your faith might be moved into praise, honour, and glory. which is why those that are through the valley of the shadow of death beam, though he slay me, yet I trust in him.
Jesus heard her, and was pleased with her, and strengthened her with strength in her soul to prosecute her request (Ps. 138:3; Job 23:6), though he did not immediately give her the answer she expected. By seeming to draw away the desired mercy from her, he drew her on to be so much the more passionate for it.
The thing is, Every accepted prayer is not immediately an answered prayer. Sometimes God seems not to regard his people’s prayers, he's not asleep or surprised (Ps. 44:23; Jer. 14:9; Ps. 22:1, 2); nor is he angry at you(Ps. 80:4; Lam. 3:8, 44); but it is to prove, and so to improve, your faith, and to make his answer more glorious, and for you, more welcome. For the result, at the end, shall speak, and shall not lie, (Heb. 2:3. See Job
35:14)
Continued persistence may be uneasy to men, even to good men; but Christ loves to be cried after. For everyone, the subject of entitlement is always going to fall short. You are not God, and it is by mercy that He gives you audience. You did nothing to deserve it, yet he has given it none the less. On the other hand to see that there are those that are around God, it is a great trial. When we give a question whether we are one of those to whom Christ was sent. This could cause us to falter before approaching the cross. But, blessed be to God, no room is left for that doubt; the distinction is taken away; we are sure that he gave his life a ransom for many, and if for many, why not for me?
Finally those whom Christ intends most signally to honour, he first humbles and lays low in a sense of their own meanness and unworthiness. We must first see ourselves to be as dogs, less than the least of all God’s mercies, before we are fit to be dignified and privileged with them. Those who are not humble will immediately take offense and leave,
those that are, will realize their lack of entitlement and persist in asking the King of the answers.
Today you have your life ahead of you. You have your prayers and requests beaming out of you. I want to encourage you that no matter what your situation, that God loves you, knows you, and has crafted this life for you so that you can be more then a conqueror. That you may live by the hands of your faith, in the greatest room in the house. It is my hope that other graces will shine bright in your life as well -- wisdom, humility, meekness, patience, and perseverance in prayer; Yet it is by your faith that these other products of grace will come in.
Your life, your pain, your daughter that is on her last legs that is torturing you... Even the silence, ridicule, or inadequacy that further places you on the chopping block. Behind the Vail of that world of pain that you see now is God who tells you:HOLD FAST.I AM THE ANSWER.I DO LOVE YOU.I.... am not a dick.